catscan

I love JaG

2005-05-24T21:49:00.000+01:00

my friend JaG is such a sweet-heart! toda i got a package she sent me, full of dutch liquorice! YAY!!!! thanks yu sooo much! ^^;

other then that...well, i got offered a "manager" job yesterday. I still havne't replied, i don't really know what i want yet. but i tried it a bit more today and it's very hard!!! people do not really wanna co-operate! we'll see how it works out.

lacking FTP

2005-05-22T20:28:00.000+01:00

yes. this is totaly made out of code. my FTP broke down and i don't know how to fix it. so, i'm waiting for boy to get his ass back from sweden and a very wet bachelor-party. he'll be home tomorrow, so this design might be very temporary.

2005-05-22T19:25:00.000+01:00

guess who's back

she's a little bit slimmer, a little bit blonder, a bit bitter, ad sweet and sour and you've got: the perfect blend. me.

yes. i'm back mofo's. it's funny that there are things you can write in english and then there are things you can't wirte in english.
my heart is breaking for my best friend at the moment. her cat fell of the roof and she's in the hospital. no, don't get to upset, the cat's gonna live. we'll see if she can even keep her damaged eye.

anyways. fakk. 60 days to go and to much things to do. i've got nearly every weekend booked until 22 of july. next up: ed and beltsnoken is comming to visit. i might even have time to get piss drunk and make london a happier place with them. but, other then the cat my main concerne a.t.m is my hair. yes! techno-color's back in. it's official! YELLOW! now, how do you turn yellow into white?

signing of for now. ta-ta, darlings.

2005-04-17T23:37:00.000+01:00

new site!

my new page is in swedish though...

bara kara

2005-04-02T04:04:00.000+01:00

In times like these

I’ve just seen a trailer for “hotel Rwanda”, you should all see it btw! When I see things like that, or the news, or any thing sad/upsetting I really whish I could believe in God. Or even in humanity. But I don’t. It seems too distant for me. The man in the movie is a hero, sacrificing his life for others, helping others. That’s when the question comes: If you saw a person dying on the street, would you help her/him?
Both boy and I have to say No, unfortunately. He’s got his reasons, I’ve got mine.
First of, I would probably not even realize that the person was dying. Secondly, well I don’t really believe in death. I would not cry if boy suddenly died, I think I would be surprised, but not sad. I would miss him a great deal, but… I see death as a natural part of life. I see death as something you choose, or not, and sometimes it’s just relief. I’m very tired right now, and this doesn’t make any sense. But it does in my head. Lately most things seem to be making sense only in my head… maybe that’s why I don’t write? Maybe it is because blogger been eating my posts?

I’ve got to go to bed, but before that some good news. The bosses and merchandisers from Sweden have been visiting our store for a week now and they’ve complimented my denim section. I am really proud! They said that it was perfect. And I haven’t even felt that it’s nearly good enough. Anyways…good night.

Nana, if you read this. I’d written a long complicated post about HOW happy I am to have you as my friend and HOW lovely the mail-gift was/is, but blogger ate it all… just so you know, I loved it. Thank you!

2005-03-20T21:12:00.000Z

Making it my own

Is this my home now? When I angrily think to myself “they are all tourists” about the people in the tube on my way home from work, have I finally made this my home? I know my way around now and it feels rather nice to walk down the street to the tube station in the morning, knowing that I have a whole day ahead of me. Strolling along the nearly empty pavement before the city wakes up properly, and whit a wage promise of spring in the wind. “soon, my love, soon” I’ve got tunes in my ears and they block out the un-soothing banging of the train, I’ve got sunshine in my eyes and I’ve got height above all. I’ve got my blue jeans and my sneakers and my headphones. I’ve got it all. This town, this city, once so far away is now a part of me. I step over drunks and garbage piles, chewing gum and cigarette butts, I’m on my way.

My work isn’t all that exciting, same ol’ same ol’ everyday. We’ve got a press night coming up and we’re gonna have celebs over for champaign. We will open on Thursday at noon, we’re all very excited. I’m on the verge of throwing up of excitement. Not that I’m that thrilled about the celebs and the opening, more that I’m nervous about what will happen and exactly how tired I will be. 2 weeks from now everything will have slowed down and I’ll have routine, I’m looking forward to that.

My co-workers have made me into a doll. I’m everybody’s toy now. They all wanna dress me and groom me and make me over. Apparently I’m underdressed, under-maked-up, under-weight and to top it of, I’m everyone’s concern. They pick out little out fits for me, tell me that they’re gonna make me pretty; they even want to get me hair extensions. I’ve turned into a living doll. They see me and say I am pretty. I’ve no longer got a personality or a brain. I don’t know what I think. I do still exist, behind all this that’s not me and not my choice, I’m all me. I just can’t care about it no more.

I miss waking up in the morning, turning on the radio, opening a window and letting the summer air in, having breakfast at a table and be able to take a shower (instead of a bath). I miss walking through Stockholm in the evening. I miss the sounds and the smells. I was born into that city, I belong there. Nothing will ever capture my heart like Stockholm has, although I’ve come to adore London. But my heart belongs to Stockholm.

2005-03-16T21:11:00.000Z

BORED!

ok. all you people out there with a brain give me some ideas! if anyone, anywhere know of an artist, comic book, film, what have you that can be inspiring, PLEASE leave a comment. kutsushita is in desperate need of change, i can't bear with it.

PLEASE HELP!

2005-03-06T01:48:00.000Z

Random Blogging

Lately my life has solemnly existed through work, movies and books, all very fulfilling and some even uplifting. But I can’t escape the feeling of "meh, what more is there?" I’ve now finished my 3 week "training" for H&M, Friday was my last day working at Covent Garden and we’re now ready to move in to our new store. I am looking forward to seeing my new "office" since I’ve heard it supposed to be something extra ordinary. Actually, my opinion on working for H&M has totally been turned around by these weeks; I do enjoy it, even though it is tough and hard on the body.

Last weekend I had an intense movie experience. I think I counted it to 6 films all in all, where Zach Braffs 'Garden State' was the most surprising. I bow down to a talented writer/director, not only a hilarious actor in 'scrubs'. Other then that 'The Village' wasn’t what I thought it would be, I still adore it and I’m very impressed by the photo and de artistic touches, as well as a stunning performance by Adrien Brody.

So far this weekend:
'Meet the Fockers', genuinely sucked. I mean, it wasn’t even half funny, or embarrassing enough and when it comes to punch line, you’ll have to make one up for yourself. I know this might not be what you’d look for in a movie like this, but it surely has nothing. And this comes from a girl who watched "Meet the parents" in the cinema and wanted to leave because it was too much. My dear friend Mela threatened to punch my nose in if I left, so I spent the rest of the film semi-hiding out beneath the seat with my big polo-neck jumper pulled up over my head. Thank you.
'Life Aquatic'. The story isn’t good, it is really Random (even more so then my delightfully Random Ed), music is great and photo angles, scenery, preps (or what you might call it), side-scene, all is fantastic. Casting is fabulous. But I’ve always had it in for Willem Dafoe.

More? No, unless you want to hear about the marvellous book I just finished reading.

Seriously, I’ve got nothing. My life isn’t more then this. I’m quite content, quite bored, I sincerely miss Stockholm with ever atom of my being. I did call my brother and Mela today to wish then a safe journey and good luck in all. They are leaving for Tokyo in less then 2 weeks, and if I don’t get rich I wont be seeing them in quite a while.

2005-02-25T10:57:00.000Z

Reality bites

I love waking up in the morning, putting my bare feet on the sticky corridor floor. Dizzily bumping from side to side as I make my way to the toilet, where I step in a puddle of pee just in front of the toilet bowl. As I stumble back to the security and warmth of my bed, I can almost hear my duvet calling me, I come across a pair of golden high heels by the front door. I’m guessing there is a little Japanese girl in the Japanese boys’ room. I start singing an old very bad Swedish tune in my head, “diggeloo diggeley….” In the kitchen the Dutch boy is frying everything that comes in his way. I know that when everything is coated in a layer or combined grease, lard and salt and the surface have reached the black-brown colour he’s after, he will bring his break fast in to the bathroom and climb into the tub, happily munching, forgetting time and place and the fact that we all have to get to work/school in a bout 1 hour. I reach our room in a state of awe and disgust, realizing it’s to late and there is no point of getting back in bed, and even if I had the time it would be impossible since boy is covering the entire mattress with legs and arms. Since the Dutch boy is in the bathroom I can now safely go out in the kitchen. The kitchen floor is slippery of frying pan grease, I cant see no surfaces since every little corner is covered in dishes, old food, fruit peal, something that crawled there to die, clean laundry, dirty laundry, a hand full of manly pubes and used snot-filled tissues. I’ve learnt that if you want to survive you: eat only things that come with a sealed lid on, open it yourself and then throw the rest away, always re-wash the dishes to avoid poisoning, never and I mean never touch ANYTHING unless you really really have to. I eat my breakfast in the living room. One of the chairs is lethal, we’ve found things in it. Even the living room is chaos, laundry hanging to dry between leftovers and cigarette butts, here and there you can find trace of drug use and abuse.
After a quick shower, squatting in the tub not to touch any suspicious stains, I pack my self with clothes to out live yet another day in biting pain at work. I think I have about 6 layers of clothes on when I take the final step over last weeks garbage bag pile in the hallway. I know, just know that this will be just another day. And I know, just KNOW that the Irish-lesbian-midget is gonna be hopping mad before noon. No one seems to know why, but she certainly explodes with out warning. At least I can comfort myself with the though of “Friday” I’m off this weekend. But reality has a way of always sticking a cold hand underneath your shirt as soon as you get a bit warm. Reality is not always pretty. Weekend of to me means: cleaning, doing laundry and studying. Thank you Jesus!

(And no, I haven't read this through...)

2005-02-14T23:02:00.000Z

5 minute emotion

I’m fed up. I’m tired, impolite and snappy because I’m not a very friendly or patient person. Honestly, I’ve got nothing going for me, I’m not witty like Ed, I’m not like her at all. People will not fall in love with me. No one will ever admire me, if you do I can’t understand why, you must be stupid. And, I don’t really know if I should care or not. I’ve gotten this far on my looks, and people I’m nothing special at all, to be frank or regina I’m actually very dull and average. I’m tired. Tired of trying to be something, tired of being dumped upon, tired of being too sweet, tired of being an up tight bitch, tired of people who think they know me. If you don’t care how I am doing, then don’t ask, but don’t expect me to care about you. And no, I will never just say what’s up, because I am a seriously damaged GIRL, for sure, I won’t make it easy, it is part of my nature.
The most annoying thing is that you can’t really say something like this with out people going “no, you’re not!” or thinking “sure…attention getter”. Sadly, you’re all right, I do fancy attention, and I want someone to tell me I am not, because it’s all sweet and good. But I’m dumb enough to try to convince you that that isn’t the case…

And for all of your pleasure. Here comes my “what I loath for the moment” list:

My flat mate rob, that does not treat me with any respect, that does not talk to me, that interrupts me when I am talking to boy. He walks into our room with out knocking, which can be very…inappropriate.

HM, for obvious reasons. My ass is, after this experience two sizes larger. Thanks. Oh. Btw. I got the job, I am supposed to be there tomorrow. Thanks, yet again!

Boy for being an idiot. Constantly saying that I am always (insert any negative word you can think of). And when ever I try to make him explain, he shuts up and won’t even talk to me. That’s…great. Yeah, it really makes you feel…big, huge, important, what have you. Apparently I shouldn’t be so negative all the time. No? Well, sure he is right, but at the same time I see that I actually have things to be negative about. I ask him how to be more positive then, since I can’t seem to get it right. Just pick one thing in my life (easy, him) and show how positive it is.

Blargh. I really really whish I were someone else. Someone that I’d like.

2005-02-09T18:20:00.000Z

Imagine the stupidest thing on earth, and then put me lower…

Ok. So I wrote this post about all the weird things that happened Saturday at the party, and I tried to be all artsy and intelligent and stuff. But, screw that. Shortly: I stayed in our room, annoyed as hell at all the people here, until 1 a.m. then I snuck out, grabbed a beer and a conversation. Unfortunately I aimed at an American all-star girl, dim witted to speak kindly. Had a most irritating argumentation with her. I think she actually believes that the world is flat and America is the sun… She left and some other people with her, that left me stranded with: Boy, Rob, The Fat Mexican Who Fell Asleep On The Toilet, The Drunk Thai-Guy and Jesus-Wannabe Polish Dude. It was a most interesting crowd. Boy started a conversation about existents and it all went downwards after that. Spoke to Polish Dude a lot about stuff and things. Ended up getting his email and phone number and he got mine. Both Boy and I where actually intrigued by the guy. Thai-Guy fell asleep in the living room. The Fat Mexican smoked cigar’s and talked about porn and drugs, classic. Rob went to bed around 7 a.m. and I hoped that would be a cue for the people to leave. They stayed until around 8 a.m. all except Polish Dude that just stayed.
Sunday, hell on earth, hung over. Should have met Em & Andreas, slept. Polish-Dude sent a text-message asking me to go to a concert with him. Polish-Dude sent an email. Polish-Dude called. Polish-Dude sent another email. I’m beginning to think it was a BAD idea to give away my phone number and mail dress, should have given him Boys contact details instead.

Anyways, that was that and all I had to say about it.

About now:
I went to HM again today, since I still haven’t heard anything from them. And guess what? I still know nothing about the job that I might start on Monday, or maybe I won’t. But I don’t know. Talked to the ass-fudjing Gay-Ray (no no no, I’ve got nothing against gay people, I’m just really angry) and he was plain rude. He said he had nothing to do with it. Which leaves me with: NOTHING! I don’t know if they are going to call, I have no where to call myself, I’ll know nothing until I don’t know anything anymore. I feel had, I feel used and abused. Stupid Ray made me believe I had the job, and now I’ve stalled and waited for so long. It’s not fare! If I don’t get the job, which I won’t now, I’m gonna be soooooo annoying to him, and mostly I’m gonna give him a piece of my mind. You should not encourage someone if the decision isn’t yours to make. Dung-bag!

2005-02-05T21:56:00.000Z

Lost

Still waiting for reply from HM. Talked to my old boss Wednesday and he told me the answers had been delayed, which is good for me since I though that if I hadn’t heard anything I hadn’t gotten it. But he told me to hang in there and he was sure I’d get it. That’s reassuring. Yesterday two friends from Stockholm came to London and we went to this weird underground party. It was this old school rave kind of feel to it. Boy and I danced our asses of and today none of us can move. That’s what will happen to you if you spend most of your life in front of a computer and then suddenly decide to move actively…

Today our flat mate Rob has friends over to celebrate his birthday. It’s really scary, cause they are everywhere and I don’t feel too social. I’ve managed to escape into our room and have a breather. I feel I have nothing to contribute with anyways, I might stay here for the rest of the night.

Ed’s coming next weekend, and I can’t even start to describe how happy I am for that. I, sort of, yeah… ehm? I don’t know. Gonna finish my beer, think I might go out there again eventually. Shit, can anyone tell I’m already drunk?

2005-01-30T18:57:00.000Z

Hit and run

So, I guess my weekend was a bit surreal. I’ll never pull this stunt again.

“So, babes, do you know these people?”
“No, I’ve never seen them before in my entire life. I thought you knew them.”
“Well, they’re in my class, but I’ve nerve talked to them, really.”
“So how come we are at their place eating pasta?”
“I don’t know”

We found our selves in a nice apartment in London, and that it selves is really weird, a nice apartment in London? And there where these people. This boy and this girl who treated us dinner. She was cute and he talked too much, but I didn’t really care, I was to drunk. We where only supposed to have a beer in the student bar. After dinner we sort of made a run for the exit and went home. Boy disappeared to another party and I had a party on my own with all my friends from South Park, Scrubs and Simsons. The best part of the night was that I came home with her phone number and a number to an office that are looking for staff. C’est weird. I love when it happens though. It’s a bit scary, cause you can never come prepared, and you’ll never know where you’ll end up with these people, but hell, it’s a free dinner.

This weekend I’ve also found out that I’m borderline. And all of that. Boy is the sanest person I’ve ever met.

2005-01-28T13:54:00.000Z

Cold and naked

It’s Friday afternoon, my hands and fangs are shaking like a polariod picture. I’ve had an interview with H&M Tuesday last week, and they said they’d get back to me in 2 weeks. That gives me another what, 4 days? I’ve been so sure that I’d get it that it hasn’t hit me until now that I might not. What will I do if I don’t get it? What can I picture myself working with if not H&M? I’ve got no clue. It doesn’t fit in to my plan. I really need this job. And I really want it.
It’s such a major set back and confidence breaker if I don’t get it. Ok, so naturally I’d have to get another job, in worst case. But, what? And I don’t even like living in London that much. I had a plan, I had a goal and I felt so much happier. Boy says that I’ll get it for sure, but shouldn’t they’ve called me by now then? I realize that opening a new store is a lot of work and that I can’t compare this to the last time I waited for the reply. Then they really needed people quickly, now they’ve got loads of other things on their hands. But what if? I feel like throwing up! I’m so stressed out and nervous.

To make things better I got an email from my dad telling me that my sister’s in the hospital. I talked to her last night and she said that she didn’t feel alright, but she’d gone to the doctor and she’d gotten antibiotics and painkillers. Now she’s in the hospital with kidney problems, probably a kidney infection. I’m scared. Does anyone know if this is dangerous? I mean, she’s in the hospital… I’m sure that she gets help.

Man, why does this always have to happen? First grandma, then my godfather and now my sister? In less then 6 month? I know it’s not that serious, but I feel all helpless. I’d like to be there to take care of her. She’s my only real sister (got plenty of step sisters), and she means the world to me.

2005-01-21T18:40:00.000Z

How come?

How come some people always have to great each other with; ”Hey Man”? Is it that unless we confirm that the person we say hello to is actually a man, and unless he’s been told that he is a man he might thing he’s just an over dimensioned piece of human flesh covered in some form of skin? And how come it’s insulting to say “Hey Woman” but not to say “Hey Man”? Are women already aware of their gender while men aren’t?

How come you always close your eyes when you best need them? When you’re doing the dishes and a bowl slips, you close your eyes like it would prevent the sound of being to loud. When you actually have a bigger chance of catching the bowl before it breaks, if you only keep your eyes open.

How come that when you actually start care about what you do with your body you start noticing what’s wrong with it? At the moment I eat healthy, I work out three times a week, I scrub and stretch and moisturise, all to get better/fitter/slimmer, but as a result to all of this all my clothes get smaller. How come?

2005-01-19T17:34:00.000Z

Franz Ferdinand

In my arrogance I declared this band the crappiest happy-pop band since the beginning of all time. I gave my ass-hole opinion and refused even to listen to them. Now, in my loneliness behind closed doors I realize the charm about them. I even bob my head to the music, and more. Now, this is a secret I’ll never tell boy, since we had a pretty big row about this particular band and the music. And this he’ll never hear: he was right, I was wrong. There I said it…just not to him ^^;

2005-01-19T14:40:00.000Z

Un known

This flat is wired. It makes tremendous amount of noise when ever I need peace the most, and when I feel lonely and need to hear that it actually exist people around me, it is dead quiet. I find myself focusing on everything that’s unimportant and forget about everything else. Again, I feel happy, at peace but on a journey. I’ve got a goal. I don’t know what or where the goal lies, but I am empowered. Of course it mostly depends on the fact that spring is on its way, but I’d like to believe I’ve got something to do with it. Which I know I havn’t. but at least I’ve got a head line, and a dead line. I’ve got a head to shave and a body to shape, a mind to embrace and friends to erase. I’ve got everything and nothing all crumbled up inside, and it all want out, and I’m gonna let it. Go Go GO! I’m searching for spring 2005 theme music, and so far it all seems to be French. Damn you Amelie! Or maybe Indian according to my fellow North-end London Neighbours.
I’m gonna walk down the street my way and I’m even gonna sing “My Way”, if I feel like it. And if someone calls me “darling, love, dear” with out knowing me, I am going to smile and reply in my best manner. If someone was to refer to another person as Mr (Swedish word Herr) in Sweden, I would assume it meant this person had passed his expiration date. But not here, no, here everyone is everyone’s darling! And we LOVE each other.

Enough about that. Have a lovely afternoon, people.

2005-01-17T15:18:00.000Z

I’d like to

Write about all my weird friends and how they became my friends, about demented Swedish people, about the crazy pasta-woman, about loud sex and neighbours. I’d love to proclaim my love for “Amelie from Montmatre”, and I wouldn’t mind insulting the creators of “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” in public.

But nothing comes to mind, and I figure it’s because I can’t squeeze my head in to my thinking hat no more. My dreads are in the way. I loved that hat. I felt like Balthazar walking around in it, although I never managed to create a hole in the ground from pacing.

Here some translations for you though:
English – Swedish
Kiss – Puss
Puss – Var
Me – Jag (Very selfish of you JaG ^^)
Six – Sex
Sex – Sex
Chef – Kock

That’s about it…

2005-01-14T10:32:00.000Z

How to waste just another perfect day

José Gonzales Heartbeats, a friend on msn, some old picture reviewing and a whole lot of stuff to do that can’t really wait but have to.
London’s got some kind of spring fever all ready. The sun is shining and the birds are singing and it goes perfect with Ella Fitzgerald ‘blue skies’ and my mood.
I know I should do a lot of things but I don’t know where to start. Might be taking a shower eventually. I’ve got plenty of master plans and everything seems so nice over there, far away from me and my computer. I love that fact that I can sitter here in solitude for a while just thinking about the thing I should do, that I want to do, with out stressing about it to much.
I’ve got to go talk to my former boss on H&M today to see if I can have my job back. I’d like to go back to work on Monday, back to slavery, to all the old ladies that smell of mothballs and ligament. If I just could keep this feeling…

2005-01-13T19:37:00.000Z

Like a hole in the head

I spent last night in the emergency room in on of London’s hospitals. I think I explained to different nurses and doctors about a gazillion of times what happened, so why don’t I give you guys a heads up as well? Boy and I went to Vibe Bar to meet Donovan. Before Donovan even showed up I felt weird and nauseous. I actually managed to take a sip of beer before I went out for fresh air. Stumbled back in again just to inform Boy that I needed to go home immediately and then I was on my way out again, when I managed to do a crash course in ‘head against metal object’. I started shaking like crazy and my legs grew heavier and heavier, I lost my vision and it felt like some one put a jar over my head since the music all of a sudden when away. I fumbled to get a hold of something but I couldn’t see so I crashed right in to a corner. I remember being close to the floor looking into the bar to see if anyone saw me and could help me. Then I managed to get myself to the stairs and sat down. I grabbed my head and waited for everything to go away. This guy came up to me with a scared look on his face. He asked me questions but I couldn’t answer, I couldn’t speak and I didn’t really hear him. He rushed of for some tissue and when he got back I realized that I was bleeding from my head. He got me water and Boy.
Boy and Donovan got me to the hospital where I sat for about 4 hours. Around midnight they glued my wound together and sent me home. I’ve got to get my head examined, but I’ll have to wait until I get back to Sweden until I do that.

So, that’s my night. How was yours?

2005-01-12T13:19:00.000Z

But then again…it’s nice and quiet

Yesterday Alan came back from Uruguay. Instant reaction: stomach ache. It almost feels like puppy love when ever I am around him. My heart starts beating faster, I get nauseous and dizzy and I sweat and get nervous. He is so grumpy, and I’m really scared of him. Not that I think that he’ll hurt me in anyway, but I’m scared that he’ll scream at me and just nag and complain. Our new flat mate is really nice, a bit lazy, but he is happy. Alan went right at him. Who are you? What are you doing here? Newby replied whit simple answers and then added: I though you’d be gone when I moved in.
Alan sat the rest of the night in the living room whining about how crowded it is here now.

Got some bad news yesterday. Talked to Sneaks in Oslo, she said that the roommate wasn’t moving out after all. Problem is that that’s where I was going to stay. So, now it might not be Norway. I’ll have to check a few things out first, but the thought of staying in London has all ready got it self comfortable in my brain. I went to see the girls at H&M Monday. They literary jumped my leg, and humped my leg, asking questions about how I was and how it had been and if I’m coming back. They had missed me a lot, it seemed like. Hopefully, if I am staying, I can get the job back. But, then I have some requests. I’d like to work Monday to Friday with an early Thursday, and I want my old department back. We’ll see about that, I guess I’m not in the position to demand things.

2005-01-09T22:54:00.000Z

Go go go

Back in London, boy and I arrived last night. I’ve lacked the possibility to use any form of computer and internet for so long, I actually feel withdrawal syndromes. I don’t know where to start.
Basically being back in Sweden was ok. I got to see some of my friends, and I didn’t get to see some of them.
It was Christmas as usual and then some.
New Year’s boy and I spent with his friends, that was…well weird at the least. I got really drunk and so did the rest of the crowd. The night ended with boy trying to get me and a friend of mine, Sneaks, back to our place. I fell asleep in an unknown woman’s lap on the buss and she fell of the seat right at some South American musicians. Luckily none of us got hurt. Then we had the struggle of walking from the buss to the flat, Sneaks whining about her making a fool out of herself, Boy skipping and singing “we’re off to see the wizard” and me clapping my hands retarded. I guess we must have been a fun sight.
Right after New Years my sis got some bad news, so the last week in Sweden I generally spent comforting her in her flat.

Being back is ok. We’ve got a new flat mate who seems nice enough. I’m not staying though. I think I’ll give it a week, until I’ve managed to sort some things out, and then I’m of to Oslo.

I don’t know if I’m going to keep this site, I know I’m not that exciting and I feel really out of it. I’ve got nothing to write about and nothing to say. Might be time to let this one rest…

2004-12-21T19:13:00.000Z

Blissfully numb

so, suckers, I figure you haven't missed me that much, and frankly i don't give a tiny rats ass. and as far as the spelling goes, you can have it.

so, lads and lasses, I'm back in Stockholm for a while. Yes, I know I said I wasn't coming back, but it was just a badly planned scheme to make y'all utterly happy to see me again. I need to tell you, I almost scored. some tears where shed. Go team! anywho, I've been used and abused and loved and everything since I got back and it feels (or, hurts rather?) so nice. Eddo had me help her move saturday and I can't seem to get rid of the pain of strain in my shoulders. living at Boy's sis place is a real hassle. She's a vegan, she doesn't have a real coffee brewer (one important thing to me) and she's is freakishly good at drawing (complex). But she's already off to Tanzania, so luckely I can retire and withdraw to the bed, Boy and copious amounts of sex.

2004-12-07T22:40:00.000Z

Enemy at the gate

Everything is well. Every thing is going my way! Well, work kind of sucks, can’t seem to find the right motivation, but at least I don’t have to close no more this week. The Swedish crowd at work just wander around and complain about everything. It’s such a nice feeling of belonging. People have been extra smelly, extra old and extremely eastern-European today. Not that it makes any difference on my mood. Smelly little old women with warts on their faces squint up on me asking for the sale-rail/bathroom/changing room, and I couldn’t care less. Fart as much as you want! I’ve got counter attack! Nod and smile, smile and nod, fart secretly and leave them behind in my gasses! Score! In your face, smelly breath! All I wanna do is shout “fuck off! Go away, ugly!” But, my sweet co-workers make the days pass and soon, very soon, life will be better. Some how. Boy is going to Sweden next Monday. Lucky bastard. I am bound to stay here and have my self a tacky, grotesque Christmas on my own or with the Swedes that stay’s behind. Jingle bells Santa smells, and all those gorgeous Christmas songs. Glimmering lights above the streets in shape of healthy, huffy, puffy Santa Clauses and snowmen. Tesco turkey or ham, with a side order of pure lard, extra everything. But, I’m not in remorse or in agony, on the contrary. I’m utterly, fluttery happy. Why? Who knows? On Monday we start having the shop open until 9, I’ll be working 9 or 10 hour shifts. But, it doesn’t really matter. Alan is going away on Friday and he won’t be back until January, and then he’ll be moving out. He’ll take his disgusting girlfriend and find a place of their own. I won’t have to see him EVER again, unless I want to and I can’t see why I would.

I’ve been having wet dreams about food lately. About all the tasty Swedish Christmas food. About Lussebullar from Vivo, Glögg, Pepparkakor, Julknäcke med senap och skinka. I guess not too many of you even knows what I’m on about, but you understand the longing for some”real” Christmas food, don't you? I want to see everybody for Christmas, I want to be a part of it. Grandma has been ill this fall, my godfather was in the hospital with heart problems last I heard about him, my sweet brother and mela. How could it be Christmas with out them?

2004-12-05T13:52:00.000Z

It’s a beautiful day

Wow. First time in month I feel really OK. Friday night was a blast. I met up with Helena and we went to a bar, later the rest of the crew joined in, but we couldn’t find seating for all, so they choose to move on. Helena, Lisa, Madeleine, Federika and I stayed. I’ve not laughed that hard for so long, I had actually stomach pains yesterday morning. The only thing that really brought the night down was Federika, she’s Italian and her English is really bad. She didn’t understand what we were talking about and slowly we changed language to Swedish. Felt bad about it, but why should we speak English if she doesn’t understand anyways?
Yesterday, Helena, Lisa and I met up to go to Portobello Market. We ended up talking in this really nice bar/lounge/restaurant instead. Drank lunch and had a lot of fun. It feels so nice to have some people to talk to again. Unfortunately Helena is leaving. Her last day will be the 16th of December and then she’s of to Australia. I’m gonna miss her.
It was just so nice to be around people that understood.
Got home, tired, hungry, and happy. Played Zelda with boy and went to bed.
This morning so far has just been great. Everything feels so peaceful right now. I’m gonna cook and clean today, and just listen to music and take it slow. So nice.
I’m happy. Today, I am happy!

2004-12-03T18:28:00.000Z

Friday fever

I was just stopping by to fire off a little before a head out. Today I started at 8 and got of at 5. So, I’m a bit tired, but plenty happy. It is Jenny’s, Swedish girl at work, last day today, and a bunch of us are going out. I’m not happy that she is leaving, because she is really nice, but I can understand why. This time of year, no matter where I am I always start to long for home. I want to eat Swedish food and candy, I want to see my family and friends. I really just miss snow, cold and all the delicious Christmas stuff you can get back in Sweden. This weekend I’m going to Portobello Market with another friend from work, Helena. Hopefully we’ll find some Christmas gifts. Helena is the cutes thing I’ve seen in so long. I can’t seem to take my eyes of her. She isn’t especially funny nor talkative or even social, and she’s not the most stunning person around, but there is something. Anyways, gifts, I don’t know how to get them back home, but maybe boy can take them. Work is really fun these days. It’s a happy, funny crowed and we’re constantly stressed out. It’s good to have people around to relay on to cheer you up.

I’m a bit concerned… for those of you that read me regularly you might remember me writing something about being swollen, not being able to bend fingers and having pain in my legs? It’s back, and this time it has been there for a while and it doesn’t seem to pass. I’m starting to get worried. Maybe I’m allergic to something? Or maybe I’m just getting fatter? Or I might be exhausted… there are so many alternatives. I’ve changed country, changed pills (they stopped making mine), working on my feet and I’ve gained some weight… hmm. Have any of you heard of this? Does anyone know what it can be? Nothing seems to help really. But it’s better when I’m not at work.

2004-12-01T22:11:00.000Z

Pissed kitty

Ok, fukkers, you wanted it, here it goes. I know many of you might think I’m whining and nagging, I can give you that I really am, sometimes. Mostly I am not. I might not have been on top of myself nor my life lately, but believe me I’ve got reasons.
I moved out from my flat, where I used to live all by myself, walking around in knickers, drinking coffee and just doing the hell I wanted, to live with 3 guys (boys, men, what have you). Now I have to get dressed what ever I do, I’m not allowed to do certain things like playing music, watching TV or breath… I left all my friends behind to realize that it aint easy getting new ones. I’ve got some really nice friends at work, but we’ve never time to see each other (different time tables). I’m not comfortable in my own body at the moment, and I feel I can’t do much about it over here.
Anyways. You might not understand it, but I’m sure that you recognise it, no matter what you say. And! If you think that this is some kind of “Bridget Jones’s Diary” you’re just out of it. I’m not here for you to enjoy, I’m here, and I’m spilling my guts, I’m not funny. I empty out all ‘funny’, ‘nice’ and ‘friendly’ at work. When I get home, to what I’m not really allowed to call my home, and get a grumpy ‘hello’ from evil flat mate, I am so fed up with people peeing in the fitting rooms, of trying to be friendly to little old smelly ladies and my non-English-speaking boss-lady, I’ve got nothing more to say, unless I’m really pissed of or sad. Then I have to say something, and unfortunately I’ve got no one to talk to, so I write. I’ve done this for 4 years now, and yes I’ve been whining a lot, I’ve also been utterly happy, sad, confused and scattered.
Have a problem with me? Have a problem with what I write? Dare to comment! If not, move along. I’m not here to make your “life” miserable; I’m here for me and only me. You like what I write? Good, there will always be more…

2004-11-29T01:36:00.000Z

Finding kara

Too much food.
Just the right amount of sex.
Way too little scrubs and futurama.
Too much family…
Truck loads of stress-related symptoms.

Mom and sis have been here since Wednesday night. I’ve met them 4 times, and already the first time was more then I could handle. Mom ran off in tears, refused to listen to a single word we said, we had to chase her down Cromwell Road… Sister can’t open mouth with out sounding like she is attacking someone, or just babbling too much, too fast and about the most unimportant things ever. I couldn’t see a least bit of interest in neither boy nor me when she talked about her former boss’s sauces for 20 minutes. Anyways, they are driving me up the wall with all their self-centred nonsense, their narrow mindedness and their old fashion opinions. I should tell them something, but I can’t really stand the fights this something will cost me, so I keep my mouth shut and I nod and smile. Instead I get bitter, angry and grumpy at home, which leads to boy bad mood. Bah! All I can focus on is that they will be leaving soon, and that all the bad things about them make me realize the bad in me and that I now when I see it can try to change it. Hurrah!
On the other hand, tonight we went to LMNT, the same restaurant I visited with the lovely Ed and Taka. It was wonderful, except for the grumpy company… I do adore the Greek mythology inspired sex paintings in the bathroom (will post pictures later) and the fab Italian opera.

Other then that I’ve spent most of the day in bed with boy and zoidberg. I met up with the family to go to a advent service in church, but me sweet sister and mom started some commotion and I felt to embarrassed to stay…

Boy is now laying patiently, yet grumpy, on the bed awaiting me and some more futurama.

And! Ed, eat my socks you spoiled brat! (Congrats on the flat though :P)

2004-11-25T23:19:00.000Z

I made it home alive!

A couple of days ago, on my way home from work, I was attacked by some rascals. I was just walking my ordinary way home and when I turned the last corner I saw them, didn’t think anything much about them and kept on going. Suddenly I got hit on my upper arm/shoulder with a full plastic bottle, cap unscrewed. Someone had thrown it at me. I turned around and I noticed all the kids, about 15 of them, age 12-13. They came at me on bikes and when one of the guys passed me he slapped my face. It really hurt. I went home, crying, my cheek swollen and my arm bruised. The day after I couldn’t move my neck properly, it hurt too much.

Now, stupidly enough I’ve gotten scared. I don’t really feel safe walking home from the tube station. I want boy to come and meet me. But, today boy is out with our potential flat mate and couldn’t meet me. I had to walk alone, carrying 2 large bags since I met mom and sis earlier and got some stuff. I clung to my bags like a mad man. But! As you all can see, I made it home alive!

2004-11-23T22:06:00.000Z

Live forever

I had one of my many weird dreams again last night. This time we could live forever if we turned into dinosaurs. Of course Ed was in the dream, computers and iPod is essential, one girl from work, Adiola, and a very angry black skilful taxi driver. Anyways, it was mighty weird but fun. When we had been dinosaurs for a while, we thought a month, we came back to earth and nothing had really changed. We hooked up with Nana and went for a walk, passed a kiosk on the beach (same kiosk that I always get caught in, while robbing it). We bought candy and didn’t think more of it, except that the lady in the kiosk was very nice. Got to Ed’s place and turned on the computer, we wanted to see our webpages to see if anyone had missed us. But our pages was not to be found and we had to de-crypt something on the computer with me iPod. When we realized we had been gone for a couple of decades, we contacted Adiola (Ed did, whit a little help from telekinesis). Adiola shows up, in trans, and in a cab with a very angry driver. He plays his own, home made hip hop all the way to where we were going. In the end we live near a beautiful bay, happily surfing ever after, as the long-necked dinosaurs.

2004-11-21T08:59:00.000Z

Today

To much sugar.
A bit above average on depression.
Maybe little too little sleep.

I wish I could explain, or at least point in the direction of my troubles. But I can’t seem to grasp them. I just feel too little of a human to go around. There isn’t enough time. I wanna go back to my teenage years, when everything was ‘now’ and the future was way over there. Now I’ve got to many things to do, to little time and to little money. I’ve got to many choices and I don’t know what to do. Last night I couldn’t fall asleep, my mind where working on overdrive with all the money issues, moving issues, staying issues there possibly could be. And I just felt haunted. Boy came in, hearing my writing in my journal (yes, I keep a paper one as well, since my life isn’t all that interesting for others) and tried to comfort me. I know he’s right, I know everything will work out fine and that no matter what we’ll land on our feet. There is nothing to stress about at the moment. This is out of our hands and we can’t really do anything about it.
Boy got an email from an old friend asking for a place to live in London this spring. Of course we offered him the room in our flat, and hopefully he’ll accept. Then I can start planning and thinking and stressing. And if he doesn’t take it, I’ll continue stress about money.
If this guy doesn’t accept this room, we’ll have to pay:
£ 383 for December
£ 162 to Alan, whom is moving out mid December.
£ 383 to Alan for his part of the deposit.
£ 766 for January.
Plus, if I sign the contract I’ll have to pay council taxes, and not only me, both boy and Seigi will have to do it too. That’s around £ 900 each.
If he accepts, we’ll only pay:
£ 383 for December
£ 162 (tops!) to Alan.
And that’s about it. Now I’ve got to go to work.

2004-11-19T13:59:00.000Z

”The Plan”

Right. Yesterday, when boy came home from Uni, we sat down and talked. Now the thing is, we’ve got to many choices. His plan is: to go home to Sweden over Christmas and go back to London I January. Then He’ll finish school in May and go back to Stockholm for his friends’ bachelor-party, and then shoot of the Isle of Skye for the wedding, then back to London for his graduation. After that he wants to back-pack in Asia and Australia. Then he’ll start reading for his masters in October/November and keep doing that until January 2007.
Well, good for him. He’s got his life all figured out. He knows everything there is to his life.
For me, it’s another story. I’ve got no clue of what to do with my life. I’ve got a hunch but not much more then that. So, I made a plan. This is what could happen depending on choices:

What you think I should do?

2004-11-18T15:13:00.000Z

Confliction

Ok. So, I thought my life was pretty cool and pretty simple and solved. But as I talked to boy about it yesterday we came across a bunch of ‘what if’ and ‘what about’. Thing is I’ve been living here since beginning of September and I’m not really doing anything uplifting or evolving, evolutionary even. I work at H&M and haven’t made any real friends, I’ve learnt how hard it is to live in this collective, and the importance of doing dishes ‘in time’. But other then that, nothing. Of course it’s been exciting and me and boy has gotten closer, and we now know that we can live together with out killing each other. It’s not now that’s the big question, it’s “the future”.

Ok. I’ve got some alternatives. Here goes:

Alt 1: I stay at H&M and work through Christmas and New Years while boy goes back to Sweden, and I’ll be all alone. At least then I’ll have a job in January and I’ll make enough money to pay rent after Alan moves out.
Alt 2: I quit work at H&M and I go back to Sweden with boy and celebrate Christmas and New Years with friends and family. I get to see my brother and Mela before they go away for 2 years and I get to see grandma. I go back to London after the holydays and try to find a new job that pays as well as H&M, or I’m in deep shit.
Alt 3: We find a new flat mate before Christmas. I quit work at H&M and I go back to Sweden for Christmas and New Years. And then I stay in Sweden and find somewhere to live there and find a job.
Alt 4: We find a new flat mate before Christmas. I go back to Sweden and after the holydays I move to Oslo, Norway for 4-5 month. I’ll have to find a job and a place to stay, but I’ll make much more money.

So, what should I do? What do you think? What I wanted to do was to go to school this spring, but I can’t seem to find any short courses in interior architecture that doesn’t cost loads

2004-11-15T21:23:00.000Z

My big, fat, Swedish self?

Sick as a joke. Seriously. Got a fever, I think, and my head, neck and nose hurt. Started crying from no obvious reason yesterday, that’s a bad sign. Usually points too some kind of sickness, this time it was only physical. Luckily. Well, yesterday I o.d:ed on south park and simpsons and did boy’s dreadlocks. We sat for a couple of hours and I almost made them all, now he looks decent. This morning I woke up and couldn’t really so anything but call in sick, and I’m so gonna be sick tomorrow too. For once I’m gonna be home until I’m not sick no more! Look at me, all rebel and stuff! Today I’ve slept, eaten all kind of crap, watched ‘Blade Runner’ and…slept more. Boy went to Tesco to buy me food, and I got pancakes with Ben & Jerry’s chocolate fudge ice-cream and fresh strawberries for dinner. Spoiled!

But, and yes, my butt, I’m getting bigger and I really can’t control it and I don’t know if I care! WAAH! Anyways, thing is boy told me yesterday that he had noticed that I got fat in Tanzania. What? Fat? Really? Well, should I care? As long as I find myself ok? I work out, I eat what I want and I enjoy eating… I’m about 60 kilos. I think. Well… nah! I don’t want to care! So, I’m not going to! Ha! I’m such a rebel today. And I’m sick and now I’m going to bed. Nighty.

2004-11-13T15:31:00.000Z

Chicks with dicks

Yesterday I met up Don, Dan, Juan and Boy (give or take 5 people) at Boy’s student bar. We had beers and laughs and it all went down like it use to. Don and I were in our own world talking and laughing and people outside were just watching.
Dan wanted us to come with him to a house party in Clapham. Boy had said earlier that he didn’t really feel up to it, but later on it all came down on me. I have to give my permission, I have to come for him to go, so if I don’t want to go I’ll end up as the evil girlfriend. I’m not used to having to make up two minds; it’s hard enough with one. When we where supposed to leave all the guys expected me to say something, and all I could do was look around saying “what?” I didn’t know that it was my job to decide everything. Although I can understand why. You don’t let your girlfriend go home alone trough London a Friday night. But, I’m so not used to it. I’m used to Stockholm where I can chose to go out or home when ever I like to. So we went.
When we got there, we didn’t really get there. And the house party was a club and everything else that can go wrong. We ended up eating tapas, drinking beer and having discussions on a bar near by, Carmen.
I told them the “my-gay-boss-Tony-and-my-ass” story. I thought I might get some “male” perspective. But as I always do, I forgot that guy’s don’t really listen and tell you their thoughts. So, instead of getting some perspective we ended up in a no-good-ending-conversation. They told me what I was supposed to do and how, and that I should embrace the British humour and culture. They thought it was a better idea to drop evil comments back then to set things straight. I should’ve said “those trousers really make your penis look small” rather then “you’ve got no right to comment on my body, so don’t”. But, in my world I rather not throw sand-cakes and get back, I find it stupid and childish. Unfortunately that’s the way London works, according to these guys. They told the weirdest stories that had nothing to do with this, but they thought where relevant.
Anyways, point being:
I’m 23, Swedish, Female that recently moved to a new country and a new culture. I wouldn’t allow anyone to comment on my body in Sweden, and even if it is considered ok here, I’m not ok with it. I’ve already adapted to so many things, but some parts of me are too important to me to change. And, I really can’t handle being talked to, instead of with. They finished each others sentences and didn’t leave any room for me even to breath. They had all the answers to a question I didn’t even ask. Just because I’m a girl, they know how I function and what I think. The stupidest thing Dan said to me was to treat my gay boss as a woman, give him compliments and stuff… I AM a woman, and I wouldn’t do that to another woman. It pisses me of, just because he’s about 10 years older then me, he’s got all the answerers? He’s got 10 more years of being a human, 33 years of being a man, but I’ve got a 23 year advantage of being a woman, an object. I know where I want to draw the line, and no matter culture or sense of humour I’ll not laugh about me “big ass”.

There! Said it. I know that this might make no sense, remember English isn’t my first language. I’m having a hard time making myself understood in this fidjin suburb called “Great Britain”.

2004-11-12T07:53:00.000Z

White as milk

It’s 7.32 in my country. I got off work yesterday around 10.45 and I didn’t come home until 11.40. By then I hadn’t eaten for several hours and I had to have dinner. I didn’t get to bed until 1 and then Boy wanted some and so did I. Let’s just say I’m pretty fuckin’ tired and today is the first day on our Karl Lagerfeldt campaign. I had to buy a pair of black trousers just for this campaign. But, it’s ok, they where really nice and they do make my ass look nice. High, firm and round. I feel all Latino-a-go-go in them. Tiredness doesn’t really approve my looks tough. I feel I look like one of these Victorian beauties. All white and puffy and curly. I quick dab with the “brown without sun”-lotion should help, it could also cause a disaster. It doesn’t really help my case that I’m supposed to get my period today as well. I think someone believes that I’m running toward a crowd shouting ‘hit me, hit me, hit me!’, so they just keep on showing everything they’ve got at me. We’ll see how this adventure go.
Anyways, my Spanish is improving and as late as yesterday I found out that Miriam, one of the Spanish girls lives next to me. We decided to grab a coffee at café 1001 some time.
Apparently my “friend” Emilie from Sweden came to London yesterday, and wants to see me. Well, if you discard the fact that I don’t really have any time, I really don’t want to.

2004-11-11T01:56:00.000Z

Resumé

Eddo’s been here this weekend. I picked her up at Liverpool Street Station Saturday night around 7. Sweetness in a cap. Real bananas. After locating bags back at the flat we took off for Café 1001, Brick Lane. Had some fake beers (3.5 % for £1.5) and some real. Talk went kind of slow for being us, but guess that’s natural after being apart, ne? Flooded bathroom, funny remarks, girls screaming girlish, going home. Had to stop at the 24 hour bakery on our way home, o.d on fat and sugar. Figure, Ed likes her fat with salt, I like my fat with sugar, damn this fat loving nation.
Eddo left me high and dry at home Sunday. She was off to see the infamous Dark. I was off to see my lovely Sims. Taka and Ed picked me up at Bethnal Green Tube station after passing me 2 times. We went to this awesome restaurant called LMNT. Sphinxes in blue and gold, weird circus music, fabulous food that wasn’t too expensive, and later on, a fat man and a larger woman singing opera. Cool Beads! Taka took us to some bars and all in all, we (well, I) got drunk and had a really nice time. Unfortunately I’m not used to the alcohol and had to start talking whit a southern Swedish accent. Which both Ed and Boy despised.

No matter how many times I go to Tate Modern it will still blow my mind and experience it with Ed was a real treat. Walked around some along the Themes, got lost, smelt vomit, found some really cool paths in London and a cheap vegetarian Thai buffé. Dropped Ed off at her hotel, when we found it…

So, weekend was fine. I felt a bit challenged in my social skills, but other then that it was great. It still seem a bit dream like to me, this life. Living here and having people come visit doesn’t really seem like a part of me, but obviously it is. He.

2004-11-11T01:23:00.000Z

What’s so abnormal about me?

Yesterday, after work I met up with Boy and a friend from Tanzania, Juan. We went for beers and diet coke at Vibe Bar. It was ok. I went home while the guy’s headed out for more fun, ‘cause I did have to work today. I thought the whole meeting Juan thingy went really well, didn’t think much of it at all actually. Boy came home kind of late, he was to drunk to tell about the evening and it was fine by me since I was already sleeping.
Everything was normal this morning: wake up, work out, shower, porridge and of I go. When I got to work I realized I had forgotten my lunch at home and I called boy up. 30 minutes into my lunch he shows up, with Juan that apparently had been sleeping on our sofa, and hands me my lunch, sweetness.
When I got home nothing really special happened, we had dinner and watched ‘About a boy’ since it was on TV. Then I ask him what they had said about me the night before, since Boy had told me that Juan found him a lucky bastard (his words not mine). And Boy then tells me that Juan finds me cool. ‘He had a bit of a problem with you at first, but then he really liked you’. What? How come people always have a problem with me? I try not to be a problem. Most people don’t understand my humour; I realize that, but seriously? Am I really that hard to be around? I mean, I’m nice and friendly, trying not to be too pushy or to personal, but still not distant or cold… I try really hard, people, but still not trying at all. Fuck, I really don’t understand how other people behave. Maybe that’s why I find most people boring and stupid, in an amusing and entertaining way.

Agh, I need no more personal dilemmas and problems. I just wanna get along with me life and sort of enjoy it. I don’t find myself messed up or weird or awkward, but it seems like a lot of people do… I wonder if I should care?

2004-11-05T13:14:00.000Z

Sugar-high improvement

Listening to one of my favourite bands, The Pillows singing ”Sayonala Baby” and whit every verse my heart gets bigger for this group. They rock my socks.
This week has been a amusing mix between insanity, confusion, disappointment and fighting.
Monday one of my favourite co-worker Sasa was off from work. Usually it’s the two of us that takes care of the L.O.G.G and B.I.B departments. So, I’ve been handed one of the other girls to help me out. Her name is Ewa, she’s polish, 28 years old and rather new. I hate her guts. She calls everyone ‘sweety’. Bläurgh!
Anyways, it’s work it sort of has to…work. She grabs a jacket, asks me where it goes, I tell her, she puts it in the other end of the store. She folds the trousers and put them on the display table, with out checking how the trousers that are all ready there are folded, so I have to tell her that she’s doing it wrong. She puts polo necks on the table that’s supposed to be on shelves. It was a day from hell, on top of my regular work I had to tidy up after her. And when I tried to tell her anything she just didn’t listen. In the end I went to our boss and told her, she didn’t want to do anything. She wanted us to solve it between the two of us. Seriously? HOW?! She’s not doing her job, am I the one to tell her that?
Anyways. It was just for one day, and then Sasa was back. No one of the other girls like Ewa, and all week everyone has been trying to avoid her. Poor thing. But she has herself to blame.
Wednesday I had a row with one of my gay-bosses. He ‘s super homosexual, at least he say he is. He’s been all over me, touching, hugging, kissing, looking, commenting. He commented on my breasts once. Wednesday he was talking to Ewa (same as above) and looking at me, while I was tidying up on a table. All of a sudden he says “look what a big ass”. I turn around to see what he’s talking about, and I see the both of them looking at me. I say nothing. Afterwards, when he is alone, I confront him. I tell him that no matter how gay he is, my body is not his to comment on. He gets pissed and he hasn’t talked to me since. ^^;
And he’s supposed to become our manager?

I came home last night, boy was on the bed, drunk. I had bought to much candy and decided to eat it all. I couldn’t. after 1 bag of m&m’s, half a bag of RownyRees I achieved my sugar-high and had to lie down on the bad, not to throw up. I fell asleep and slept until 9 this morning. ^^. Weirdly, it feels really good.

London hasn’t changed me. Maybe a little, but not much. The greatest effect it has had is maybe that I’ve become even weirder. I smile and dance all day, since if I don’t I might go insane for real. And I don’t seem to care about nothing to much anymore. It’s a great feeling of relief. Now, this is my day of and I have to clean the house.
So long suckers. Ebitch, see you tomorrow.

2004-11-01T23:18:00.000Z

You want so much, but you get so little

I miss all my friends, to bits. And they say they miss me too, but I can seldom feel the love. Some are better then others to make me feel loved and missed, these people make me happy. It’s hard for me to miss when I can’t feel that I am being missed. I feel replaceable. Like a carton of milk gone bad. Throw out, buy new. Replace. No coffee with out milk, but it doesn’t matter what milk. You may prefer one kind but in the end it’s the coffee that’s important. I am the milk.
When you come here to visit me, I’m stupid enough to think that it’s about me. It’s your vacation; you are getting away while you are entering my life. This is my life. For you it might just be a jetsetter weekend, it’s about London, about how to spend the time “right”. For me it’s all about you.
I haven’t talked to someone other then boy in so long I forgot how you do. I’m trying to fill voids; I’ve got some work friends. But at the end of the day we all go home to our real lives where work has no access. Then I’m alone in this house that I call my home at the moment, where I’m not allowed to exist. With boy who is sweet but clueless when it comes to my issues.
When you say you’re coming, you make me happy. I get my hopes up and I dream of coffee, cigarettes and conversations above the average. When you come it ends in disappointment.
You don’t need to talk; you’ve got milk at home. And London milk isn’t as good anyways (the skimmed one is ok).

It struck me this weekend, while playing Sims that this feels unreal. I’m just waiting for my real life to start. Someone to say ‘GO’. Experience things for real. Smell, breath, see, touch. Emotions. Someone to life the grey vale from my eyes and make me live. But no one can do it but me, and I can’t since it’s not for real.

Sorry about always writing sad posts. I know how this must make some of you feel. But what else can I do. This is my only outlet, except for boy. And he’s about to burst.

2004-10-30T20:10:00.000+01:00

Moving?

The night between Thursday and Friday I woke up at 02.45 from loud noises. The Japanese and his girlfriend had come home and they where drunk. They started talking loudly whit the Spanish dude in the living room and started running a bath. I woke up, all confused and thought I had over slept. When I realized that it was still the middle of the night I got furious! How come they are allowed to pull things like that when I hardly might breathe with out getting my ass whipped? So all day yesterday I was a little off, cause of that and cause of stomach aches. When I got home after having a beer with some friends from work, boy had bought GTA San Andreas and we sat in the living room playing for a while before the Spanish guy came home. As soon as he came through the front door, boy rushes up and into the kitchen to do the dishes. Why? Cause we know he’s going to scream at us other wise. He’s acting like the fukkin’ owner of the house, even though he pays less then the Japanese and us. ( 3 paying parties: Japanese, Spanish and us. Where we and the Japanese pay’s more then the Spanish, but me and boy pay less since we’re splitting one room)
Anyways, I went to our room because I don’t want to be in the same room as the Spanish guy since he’s an asshole. This morning I woke up a bit earlier then the rest of the crew and I turned on the computer, talked to some people on MSN and ate breakfast. Nothing special about this morning, except we’d run out of toilet paper. Then when boy woke up and went out in the living room the Spanish guy immediately confronted him violently about the toilet paper and the cleaning of the flat. I went out of the room to go to the toilet, realized that there was no paper, so I went looking. Stumbled into the living room and heard what was going on, turned around and started walking out (still on a hunt for toilet paper, or something suitable to wipe my ass with.). Spanish guy then demands that I stay, I freak out, I scream at him and swear at him. If I could (mental block) I would have hit him, broken his nose or something. I just lost it and I haven’t lost it since…I had an argument with my dad or I was dating my ex. I hate the guy so much, and I have to live with him. He can’t talk like a normal person, as soon as anything happens he raises his voice and shouts. I’m fed up. And he’s always something to complain about. After what might have been one hour of us screaming, me crying, me calming down, him keeping on screaming and the Japanese and Boy still very calm, the Japanese talked to me. I told him almost everything I felt about living here and being all alone. He understood and we tried to work something out, but the Spanish guy really wasn’t cooperative. He just want me to change, but I don’t know how and he’s not telling me.
Argh! Anyways… I really dunno.

One question guys.
What’s the difference between him telling us that his girlfriend is coming and me telling that a friend of mine is coming? It not like his girlfriend is here to see me (even thought she tend to annoy the crap out of everyone) or that my friends are here to see him. We all use the kitchen, toilet and living room. What is the big difference? Spanish guy got pissed when I told him that Ed was coming a couple of weeks ago. I said it was the weekend before the 9:th of November and that she was only staying for maximum 3 nights. We had a quarrel about it and i tried to explain that she isn’t gonna be in his way, but he didn’t listen. Today he said “oh, and Boy told me that your friend is coming next weekend, which is totally cool. I thought it was this weekend and I have to turn in some work on Friday.” Which I replied “but, I told you that she was coming for the party on the 9:th?”. Stupid retarded, cocky, fucking asshole.

2004-10-27T23:04:00.000+01:00

Talk is cheap

I tend to have a lot of conversations with different parts of my body lately. Does this mean I’m bored? And have no friends to talk to?
It goes something like this:

Conversation between Donovan, my tummy and me:
“I’ve taken your shit hostage! haha” Tummy
“Oh no, not again…” Me
“Please Mr. Tummy release the shit. Pretty please?” Don
“Pewh. No way. I’m gonna sit here and gas up as much as possible and then I’m gonna release it in the worst possible time. Like, on the train or something. Hehehe!”
“What can I do?” Me
“What is it doing right now” Don
“Well, I think it’s preoccupied with the yoghurt I just ate” Me
“Ok. Do you have any booze at home? Good. Drink it. Try to sneak up on the tummy.” Don

Another conversation between me and my self-esteem:
"You’re fat"
"No, I'm not"
"But you are"
"No, really, I know I’m not"
"But just look at those legs, and that belly"
"What’s wrong with them?"
"....."
"Stop it, you're gonna make me paranoid"
".............."
"Do you really want me to be unhappy"
"I want you to be pretty"
"But I am pretty"
"..........."
"Ok. What do you want then?"
"Loose 5 kilos"
"No way!"

Seriously. I need some help. And some friends

2004-10-26T23:24:00.000+01:00

Random

I got my first payslip Friday. I got my first check yesterday. I can’t cash it since I don’t have a bank account. Funny. I’m gonna have to go to a money shop or a beuroux de change to get my money and they take almost 20% of it to cash it… poor me. Anyways. I get a bit more then 300 pounds and I get paid again on Friday next week, but then the money will be put on boy’s account.

I found a pair of trousers. Lisa , a Swedish girl I work with, thought they where really nice and now they are hanging, waiting for me at work. But…I don’t know. I feel so out of style now a days. I’ve lost a part of me in fashion and I don’t know where it went. They are really tight all the way down to the feet. I normally don’t wear those kinds of trousers, I wear flared once, but I like these. Question is, am I ever gonna use them? Where is Mela when I need her? T_T;

Work is getting better, I’m now on the Logg department and I like it there. I work with a Spanish girl called Sasa. She is nice and she lets me be the boss ^^. Not that I am in anyway, but it’s fun. I really like it when I feel that I’m doing a good job, when I’m contributing. Hopefully they’ll let me stay there. Also I’ve got some more friends at work, Linnea and Madde Swedish girls, Sasa, Lisa and Helena Swedish, Batley is Chinese, Daria is Polish and there is Chris and Ian from menswear. At first I thought that Ian was eye candy, but I talked to him today and realized he’s too much of a fuzz. If he’d only be stupid or smart, I’d still glare at him, but fuzzy? No. And he’s a dad and 32 years old…

I stabbed myself in the knee with a scissor Sunday. I slipped when cutting and I pierced my knee. At first it only was a hole in the flesh and you could see right down in it, but then it started bleeding. It kind of hurt.

I’ve got more, but enough is enough…

2004-10-25T09:17:00.000+01:00

My mom

My mom has had two husbands in her life; my dad and her new husband. She is 55 years old, still very attractive and active. She wants what’s best for everybody and she’ll go through anything for her kids. Although she wants well, it mostly is on her terms of good and bad and she ends up result less or with a mess.
Problem with my mom is that she doesn’t realize that people are different. Another problem is that she talks to me about it, and I’ve got enough already. She wants her husband to talk to her about his thoughts. She wants him to open up. Well, maybe if you let him be? Maybe if you stop pushing?
When I was a child, a little child (around 4 years old), I was very quiet. I didn’t feel the need to talk to people too much and I didn’t feel the need to shout out my emotions. I was not sad. People thought I was sad, people have always thought I am sad, and they want me to talk. About what, I might ask? About what saddens me? About why I am quiet?
I felt haunted and left out because I was so different from the rest of “the world” (my family at the time). I started screaming when I was a teenager and I developed a need to talk about everything and nothing and anything. I felt forced to. I didn’t want to.

Now she’s trying to do it again. She doesn’t understand that some people have no problems, that some people just don’t wanna talk. She’s pushing and pushing and the more she pushes the less respond she’ll get. Another thing, if you know that when you open your mouth, you never get to finish a sentence, you probably end up in trouble and someone will most certainly yell at you, would you open your mouth?

2004-10-20T23:57:00.000+01:00

If I haven’t the sweetest friends

Had a great day at work today. Had fun actually. Lisa, one of my co-workers invited me to go out on Saturday night, Moloko is playing at The End. And, I don’t get on until 12.45 tomorrow. Woot woot! Boy texted me today saying that he loves me. I get dinner when I get home. Everything is fine!
When I enter our room I see a mystical package on the bed. I dare not to touch it, it could be to boy, but I hope it is for me. Boy says it’s a drawing on the back of it. Then I know it’s for me! It’s a pretty little cat drawn on the back of it. I jump onto the bed, and when I say jumped I mean jumped. I rip open the package and out falls 2 bags of sisu (Finnish liquorice), a bag of my favourite candy, a lollipop and a small envelope. I sniffed the envelope for a while, knowing already whom it’s from. That I knew when I saw the drawing actually. I open a bag of sisu and the envelop. Inside there are two letters from my love, Nana. I read each letter twice and I get happier and happier for every letter written and read. The day couldn’t be better.
Chatted a quickie with Ed and found out she’ll be arriving on Saturday 6:th of November. ^^;
Allie, my sweet-pumpkin-head-pie, is one of the best things on this planet. And talking to her, even though it’s mostly on MSN really lights up my days.

Can I have better friends? Don’t think so. Sadly I haven’t been able to talk to Mela lately.

And Boy…I can’t even begin to say how much I love him and what he means to me. He started working out at a gym yesterday, and he’s going tomorrow as well. I’m gonna join as well. Hopefully soon. When I get the time…which might be never. It’s only £2 for each time you go there or £20 a month. Cheap!

2004-10-17T22:53:00.000+01:00

Are you wearing a thong, Monir?

So, I guess you all think I’m down and dirty still. Well, that’s not the case. Dirty I suppose but not down. I’m high pitched and yellow, not mellow. I had Thursday and Friday of and I was productive. I decided that if I’m gonna survive here in London I have to have fun. And fun equals not working as a slave next year. I’ve been looking into some interior design/ interior architect courses at Uni, and I’m gonna apply. There is no reason for me not to. This is the best I can do right now. And I think I just might love it. I’ve not only looked into education in London, I’ve even started looking for schools in Sydney, where I wish boy and I will be living next year.
All of this productivity kicked my balls right back into place and I actually had a smile on my face when boy got back from Uni. And, to top the fabulous day of, boy actually listened to me that night. Friday was a blast as well. Friday evening/night I met up with boy and “The Don” (a friend of boys from Uni) at their student bar.

I worked yesterday and today and it wasn’t fun, but hell, it was better. I’ve decided it isn’t that bad and that I’ll cope with it at least until Christmas, which is a mess by the way. We’ve got no holidays at all! We’re open 24, 25, 26 and so on, and we’re even open 1:st of January! Seriously man. I’ll have to talk to the boss lady about this. ‘cause I’m not staying in London alone over Christmas and new years, never. I’m coming home. Anyways. The weekend staffs are hilarious. A bunch of them anyway. This guy, Monir, is a real laugh. Yesterday, he was carrying some underwear back to that department and I asked him if he was gonna go try it on, he replied: No, I bought these last weeks, right, and now I realize this aint my cup size. Now, we’ve never talked to each other before that. Today I passed him while he was working at the till and I grabbed his as.

“Oh, thong today, Monir?”
“Sure has. Don’t want no boxers riding up my ass, so they better be up there from start instead. And, I find panty lines so disgusting”

Moahahhaaa! Sweetness isn’t it?

K. so 3 other things.
1. This morning I gave my seat to an elderly gentleman on the tube. He and his lady friend (probably wife) came on and there where only one seat, so I gladly gave mine away. To thank me for the kind gesture they gave me a pamphlet. “Awakening! – how to make real friend”, a Christian thing about bible studies and, well, how to make real friends. Hmmmm…
2. Yesterday on my way home something really commercial-ish happened to me. You’ve all seen the Levi’s add on TV, have you? The guy on the bike, the girl on skates? So, this guy rides up to me and says something like:

“Btw. What’s you’re name, baby cakes”
“Karin”
“Beautiful name, where you going to tonight”
“Home”
“You not out clubbing?”
“No, I’m working tomorrow”

3. Passing the radio car store, someone shouts hello gorgeous…say something!...?

Sorry about this post. It’s a lot of information to take in, but I haven’t written in a while. Bare with me, gonna be better.

2004-10-14T01:11:00.000+01:00

Memorised lines

I’ve got no real emotions. All I’ve got is what been thought to me. Or not. I feel numb. I don’t feel or feel little or vaguely. I know that I should react, but I’ve got so little to respond to. I see and hear, but it does bother me no longer. I know that you want things from me, all people do in one way or another, but I’ve got little to give. You wanna see me smile, be satisfied and happy, but I don’t really know what that is. At work I met this cute little 19 year old Swedish girl named Linnea. She’s sweet and fun and energetic. People like her because of it. People tend to tell me to smile, but I’ve got so little to smile about. I wish I was younger, naive and new, but I seem to grown old and a tad disconnected. Nothing gets me going, not positively or negatively, I seem to walk around in a constant grey fog that never leaves my side. It makes me grumpy and miserable. I tend to nag and wine much more and about nothing really and I disregard the real things, the important things.

What I want is to be happy and satisfied with myself so that I can appreciate what happens around me. I don’t really understand how people live. How do Mela and Sano keep going? Is it the dream of Japan that keeps them up? Is it the cat, Sumo? How can Ed go to work everyday, and it’s an exhausting job I might ad? How can boy always be so calm and just focus on the important things? It seems to me like most of these people have it worse then I, I don’t even have it that bad, and still they can handle it. Or can you? My troubles are nothing compared to others but still it makes me feel so numb, like I have no emotions except emptiness and sadness. I wish I had some answers. I wish I had someone to talk to who honestly cared about me, someone that I could talk to with out feeling I load myself onto them. But, all people have their problems, and mine are insignificant.

I would never kill myself, ever, it’s not my style. But if this is what it life is, I can’t wait to grow old and die. It might sound morbid and destructive, but I can’t see it that way. If I never get happy, what’s the point?

2004-10-12T18:46:00.000+01:00

Wish list:

1. Someone to host mine and ed’s pics.

And, that’s about it. I’ve got too much to talk about, got too much to think about and too much to write. I don’t know where to start.
I’ve not been working today even though I should have. Yesterday I blew up like a balloon. I woke up and my face and hands felt thick ad weird, I couldn’t get my thumb ring on. My clothes didn’t fit me, but I blamed it on all the junk food I ate this weekend. I went to work, my hands itching and my body a bit bloated. At the end of the day my legs where so swollen I couldn’t bend my knees. I thought it would be better but it got worse.
So, this morning when I woke up and my face and hands still where bloated, I figured it was better to stay at home.

Today I’ve been crying over my swollen face, the fact that I don’t know what to do with my life and that it must be more to life then this (thank you, Björk). I really don’t like my life. I thought it would get better after getting a job. Maybe I should meet some friends or something, but no, well, yes, I have people to talk to during the days but then I get home and I’m knackered. I can’t do anything but eat and go straight to bed. That’s not a life, but it doesn’t matter because when I don’t go straight to bed I play Sims 2 and then go to bed. It’s fun, but not very exciting. I’ve got nothing else to do.

I constantly think about coming home. But, I realize I would be miserable there as well. What do I have at home? Friends, family? I’ve got no where to live, I’ve got no job, I’ve got a family that really gets to me sometimes and I’ve got friends that has no time to see me. Here I’ve got a job that’s killing me already and I’ve got a boyfriend that I can’t really talk to. He’s sweet and cute, but sometimes it feels like I’ve lowered my standards. I don’t get pissed of at him since he’s so cute and I don’t really care if he listens or not. And I know that sometimes all he wants is to fuck me, even if I’m sad and crying. Now I made him sound really insensitive, but I don’t care.

2004-10-09T13:01:00.000+01:00

Out let

I hate Alan, I hate Alan, I hate Alan. And on top of that I’m starting to dislike Seigi. Sweet.

Who is Alan?
Alan is the Spanish guy whom lives in the same flat as I.
Reason for hating Alan:
He’s egoistic, rude and selfish. He can’t clean dishes, after he has done it they’re always dirty and I have to redo them before using them. He complains about everything even though he is as bad as anyone else. He makes the living room into his own room because he lives in the smallest room, all though he pays less then the rest of us and boy and I share a room that’s less then twice the size of his. If I get up in the morning and boy still is sleeping, I can’t sit in the living room. No, cause he wants to play football on the Play Station. And if I say anything about it, he starts “screaming” at me that I always play, which is true but I play on the computer in our room, and that there are nothing to watch on TV anyways.
Can’t really handle it.

Who is Seigi?
Seigi is the Japanese dude that also lives in this flat.
Reason for disliking Seigi:
Seigi hasn’t been a problem up to when he asked if it was ok that his old girlfriend moved in here. Alan is moving out in December and then Seigi wants Rie to move in. When he asked I went…no. fakk. One of the main reasons for me to put up with these living arrangements was that I was gonna have my own room when Alan moved out. Seigi got pissed so I changed my mind and said ok. Since then he hasn’t talked to me properly.

I’m sad. I’m really tired and I’m really lonely. I’ve tried to talk to boy about it, but what is he to do about it? Nothing. And I’ve got no friends to talk to about it. And nothing is gonna change. I’ve got to options; put up with it or move out.

Sis is here. It’s ok, but she’s pushing way too hard. I’ve been working my first week and I’m tired. But she still wont give me a couple of minutes to chill out. I just wanna cry. I can’t deal with this.

2004-10-05T08:04:00.000+01:00

Total crash

I didn’t write yesterday because I came home from work around 9 and I was beat.
I really didn’t want to work at H&M yesterday, had nothing nice to say about them except that they have great clothes. But it feels better today, even though I’m working from 9.15 a.m to 7.45 p.m. I’m working the entire week and I get the weekend off.
I’ve got nothing much to say still, it was ok, it was work. I’ll report when and if something fun would happen.

Sorry about the layout, I’ve got no where to put my pics no more. I’m gonna try to sort it as soon as possible, but it might take some time considering that I am busy.

2004-10-04T08:46:00.000+01:00

It’s official.

I’m up; it’s 20 to 9, the earliest I’ve been up since I got here, except when leaving Mela at the bus stop at 4-in-the-morning-ish. I’m eating my fruit and yoghurt, I’ve already showered, I’ve got pants and a top on (which is a big plus!) and I’m not ready to go. No.
My cold is getting better, I think. But I still can’t breath and I sound sooo luxurious and sexy, I wanna sing jazz all day…like Phoebe Bufféy.
I tried to fall a sleep early last night, but I didn’t seem possible. Instead I tossed and turned and I’ve had the weirdest dreams I now can’t remember. But, I’m up!

Ok. Ok, I’m gonna do all right, am I not? What if I hadn’t written those nervous posts about the interview? What if I had written “k. so I went on an interview and I’m gonna get the job”. Would I still have gotten it?

2004-10-03T14:31:00.000+01:00

Surprise!

Or, no not really. No one of you are gonna be surprised. I got the job, and I’m starting tomorrow. 11.00 High Street Kensington. Ray called me today and offered me the position. Introduction tomorrow. Don’t be late.
I’m sick, I’ve got a cold, my nose is clogged up. But, I’m gonna go anyway, cause I wouldn’t miss this for the world.
I’m up for 39 hours weeks, at 6.20 something and hour to begin with. I get paid every fortnight.
I’m happy, I’m nervous. It feels surreal.
Boy says it’s ok for me to go and shop now, I’ve found some really nice things I want. But I felt I couldn’t since I was unemployed, but now I can. Unfortunately they are at the H&M I work at. What should I do? I can’t show up tomorrow and the first thing I do is shop right?
Or, what do you think. It’s for work I’ll buy these garments.

2004-10-01T16:36:00.000+01:00

Ray is gay, toys’r’us, lushes and midnight messages

Ok, I know you’re all dying to know about my interview. And this I know because as soon as I got online today I got jumped of all my sweet friends. But, I’m gonna do this right and try to take it in the right order.

I’ve sorted out my phone business yesterday and now I’ve got a working mobile so that you all can harass me with silly-sweet messages! It was hell on earth to get it, but in the end it only cost me around 20 pounds and I still got my precious siemens.

Now, to the interview.
Wearing: black corduroy pants, white H&M shirt, brown H&M top with lace underneath and brown boots. Nothing too much, but still not overdressed. The man I was meeting was Ray. Pretty little thing, properly garment and styled. He was so obviously gay and not as intimidating as I had thought. I got to the store and this really friendly guy helped me out with the formality, then I had to wait for almost 30 minutes for Ray to finish up some business and some other interview. When I finally got in to the interview room, I wasn’t nervous, but I can’t say I was relaxed. We talked about this and that, about H&M and how important it is to do a proper work. He asked a bunch of questions that I found almost offending, but then I remembered that this is London and a lot of people are lazy and irresponsible. Anyways, he told me about the 3 month trying time and about the salary. He said he would personally get back to me with in 7 days. I think I made a good impression, but…I don’t know, he had a couple of other girls to interview I guess. Hopefully, hopefully, hopefully I’ll get the job. It wasn’t as scary as going to an interview in Sweden, since they all keep talking this soap opera language to me, it doesn’t feel really real. That’s that.

After the interview, Boy and I strolled around for a while. We went to Ann Summers and looked at some underwear and toys and I bought myself a little treat. They had so much fun things to look at there. Haven’t found a naked boy calendar yet, but I’m still on the look out. We found a Lush store and my day was made when I bought a bubble-bar and a bath-bomb. I couldn’t resist a massage-bar smelling of chocolate and honey.

2004-09-30T19:48:00.000+01:00

I am…

Scared and confused. About tomorrow, about the interview. I’ve got no clue of what to ware, people keep giving me different directions. “Ware something cool, comfy and you”. “Ware something nice and classy”. “Ware something a head of fashion, but not to stylish”. I don’t know. I’ve never gone to and interview in London before, and I really don’t want to blow it.
Boy just put the largest extra weight on my shoulders. He can’t really get the webpage he’s been working on to function properly, so now I’m gonna sort it out. How? I really don’t know, and I really didn’t need that pressure on me right now. But I guess it will all work out just fine.
I just got no clue. And I can’t seem to realize that the interview is taking place tomorrow, like most things lately, it feels surreal.
Hopefully I wont make an total ass out of myself. Luckily English feels like such a make believe language to me, so I’ll prolly not even realize my own damage…
Jeez, I wish this would be coherent, but I guess it aint.
And now, ladies and lads I’m gonna try, try to pick something nice to wear tomorrow. Wish me luck and everything.

2004-09-29T19:09:00.000+01:00

Pity

I’m happy, but it somewhat makes it less fun since I’ve got no one to share it with. Boy’s sweet, for sure. But, it makes me feel so lonely. I’d hoped for “woohooo, look at you go” from all my friends in my comments. But so far it’s only the lonely Ed who’s dropped a line. And this is the biggest thing that has happened since I moved here…
It just makes me feel so lonely.

2004-09-29T13:07:00.000+01:00

Woot woot!

I was supposed to write a pissed of post today, cause of what happened yesterday.

Junky no.1 got home accompanied by junky no.2. I had left the garbage bag close to the front door, and I was gonna bring it out, only I had forgot about it, cause I put it there while I was cooking dinner. He gets home and the first thing he does is complain about the garbage bag. And not even to me, he just walks right in to boy and talks to him about it. I get pissed of, since to me it’s not a big deal and he’s been bitching about plenty of things and he never talks to me. I went in to out room and blew of some steam, just so that I wouldn’t fight with him. When I get out again, he confronts me. He asks me why I am pissed, and I tell him. There is a lot of jadi jada. And in the end he sits in our room and talks to boy.
The reason why he pisses me of is: He can’t say my name, he constantly calls me Corin. He can’t do dishes properly, and I have to re-do everything once he has done it, but still he complains if we leave dishes for more then 2 hours, even if we’ve just cooked and are still eating dinner. He leaves tobacco and filter-fuzz on the living room table every night when they have smoked some weed. He forgets to pull out the plug in the bathtub after he’s been in the shower, so that I or someone else has to do it (disgusting used dirty water…). He forgets to close the refrigerator door so all our food goes bad.
And he’s got the guts to complain about little things like that.
My reply was: well, I could have left it in the garbage bin and then it would have smelled as much as it would if it stood aside the door.

Anyways, it’s ridiculous. I don’t really care, especially not today. Cause:
I JUST GOT A CALL FROM H&M. I’VE GOT AN INTERVIEW ON FRIDAY!

Woooohooooooooooo!

I was thinking about writing something else, but I forgot. And I don’t care! Ehm, people…help…what am I supposed to look like ion Friday? What shall I ware?

2004-09-28T16:21:00.000+01:00

Oh, hello!

Isn’t it lovely when you realize you’re the best thing in this world? I’m not saying I have, but it’s nice, isn’t it. I just remembered why I am together with boy. He looks stunning today and he’s such a sweetheart.
Myself? Well, I’m always as pretty as one can bee, if you’re blind :P. No, quite satisfied actually. Plenty of good, healthy and unhealthy sex, I’ve done my C.V. and I’ve printed it. Now, I’m gonna go get myself a mobile phone and buy some other stuff. I’ve applied to Quicksilver, Mango and Diesel today, and tomorrow I’m gonna go in to “city” and hand out some C.V’s. Seigi has promised to help me. (In exchange for some dieting tips and some workout coaching)

I miss all my people back at home, but…I’m doing fine here. Sis is coming next week, she’ll be staying for six days. She’s really excited. I’m not as excited, mainly because we’ve had visitors here a couple of weekends now, and we’ve got very little time to ourselves. Live-in junky no.1s girlfriend shall be arriving tomorrow.
So, for those of you who wanna come visit, but haven’t got the money yet, don’t stress it. I’ll see you guys again, eventually. And until then, I’m online on MSN (when I don’t play Sims) and I’ve got a webcam. Just check me out.

Sims is ruining my life…

Smirk, smirk.

2004-09-27T13:10:00.000+01:00

To little, to much

Jeez, I’m starting to loose it. I cave under the pressure of myself; I need to get my life back together. I need to get a job. I can’t really handle this. My mind is living a life of it’s own and I can’t really control it.
Yesterday I did the mistake of trying to talk to boy about it, again. And history tend to repeat itself. He sees my way of thinking, my thoughts as problem that needs to be solved. I just need to talk, to vent. He calls me irrational, chaotic and little. Just because I don’t need answers. I don’t need him to explain my life to me, if I wanted to sort my thoughts out I’d handle it myself. Right now I’m happy to have thoughts at all.
The weird thing is that when nothing else works, sex is fabulous.

I need a friend, some one to talk to. Right now I feel fat, ugly, messy and wrong. I’m not doing anything except playing Sims 2. I need to do something. I need to be with out boy, but it’s impossible since I’ve got no friends here and we’re living to close. I can never be alone.

2004-09-24T11:36:00.000+01:00

Speedy Gonzales

I’m in great need of real coffee. The nearest Star Bucks is to far away! U_U;

I’ve slept 4,5 hours tonight, I woke up at 11, my time. Darn Sims 2! As you might guess, I’m a bit…off and I would like to have a large jug of hot, black coffee. From the moment I had installed the game, which was around 5 minutes after rushing through the door with it, I played and played, until 5.30 this morning. It’s fabulous! I love it! Now I’m off trying to get my hands on some more downloads.

For those of you who wonder if I can count. 5.30 to 11, that’s 5.30 hours. Boy thought it was a good idea to have sex at 0600… and how could I deny him? Well, he’s the one sleeping now... but, it’s his birthday, he’s allowed to. Jupp, boys’ birthday is 20 days after mine, but he turns 24. now, I’m gonna go poke him with a stick, cuz he is supposed to rush of to the bank and pay rent. And then, joyful joyful, his mom is coming! And we don’t know when she is leaving! And I’m still sick, I’ve got a fever, my head and throat hurts! And I’m gonna sleep on the living room floor! I pity me!

There was something more…can’t remember. Gonna eat haiju. Right, Mela, no yoghurt haiju, only grape and appel. I’m gonna have to ask Rie to buy some instead. That’s right. Seigi came back yesterday. Rie broke up with him. So weird. Right…non of my business. Might have to re-write this one when I’ve slept.

My first “Neighbourhood” is called Cookie-dough, BTW.

2004-09-23T11:26:00.000+01:00

It’s up

What do you think?

I’m off to the game store, as soon as boy can get his lazy ass out of bed, to buy Sims 2. And then I’m not gonna do ANYTHING else for the rest of the day. Boys’ friend Karim might be coming over, but I don’t care. And later he talked about meeting another one of his friends; does it look like I care? I’ve managed to make a so-so looking CV and hopefully I’ll bee walking around London looking for a job next week.
Seigi is coming home tonight, and hopefully he’ll bring haiju for me. If not, I’m gonna be so sad.
Boys’ mom is flying in from Africa for Boys’ birthday tomorrow. I guess we are once again accommodated in the living room so that she can have our bed and out bedroom…
The worst of the worst is that Alans girlfriend is coming next week! OH NO! And he’s gonna be away at Uni all day, so I guess she’s gonna try and spend time with me…

Living together like this is fun, but at the same time it’s annoying and frustrating. Had a bit of a rumble with the Spanish dudes yesterday, we’ve got different ways of seeing things. But, it’s to boring to put up here.

2004-09-22T01:52:00.000+01:00

K. I've made a new design

For the first time in a while, I've actually made a new design for myself. Unfortunatly I can't put it up. I'll have to wait for Ed - the Godess to help me out. My FTP still wont work. Anyways, you know it's here, just waiting. So, you'd better check it out soon.

2004-09-21T10:12:00.000+01:00

My Hometown

Well, as you might know Mel visited me here in London last weekend. We had a lot of fun, but a lot of not fun things happening too. First of, Mel didn’t like London, she complained about almost everything and called it Poland. My bed wasn’t comfortable enough, everything is dirty, people are unfriendly, the stewardess, the train. Almost everything, and ok, I admit, this place isn’t the best, but I live here now. It really made me feel like I had forced her to come here and that my life was shit. She asked me several times if I wanted her to be there and if I wanted her to come again, and to be honest, I don’t know. Criticising everything that’s part of my life now, no, I can live with out that. I love Mel and I do understand, but it’s not making it easier for me hearing that all the time. And when I asked her she always replied “but I like skank”. But, we had a lot of fun as well. We laughed until we cried. I'm really confused. I just wish for a little support, not only criticism.

My Sis is coming to visit me here. From the 6 oct to the 12 oct. When I first thought it was only for the weekend it was fine, it would even be fun, but now… it’s a week, and Mel, the least of my worries, really didn’t like this place, so how can I expect Sis to like it?

I’m concerned about a friend of mine. I sent her a text late Sunday evening and she replied with a very weird answer, saying that she wasn’t all right and that she might see me when she felt ok again. She got me really worried, but I don’t wanna force myself upon her.

Allie: gambatte, girl. Do what ever you feel is right, but please, listen to yourself! I’m here for you if you need me.

2004-09-15T15:52:00.000+01:00

Fabric, fable, fusion, furious

Is this my life, is it really. After 56 games of solitaire today, I am a bit confused. What if this isn’t really what it is? What if this is what it isn’t? I’m scared of thinking what would happen if we just didn’t. If all of us at the same time did not pick up the phone, did not go to work, did not pay our bills. Would this image crash? Crack crack CRACK?
Unfortunately that’ll never happen. No, we’ve got this moral, this duty to fulfil. We’ve got something called time and we’ve got something called a watch.
Tick tack tick tack, you’d better hurry up Kara, one day you’ll wake up dead. And as we go faster and faster we lose track of what reality is and no one can no longer tell that it’s all just a dream. And then one morning you really wake up dead and you see yourself for the first time and you can take a deep breath, soon it’ll all be fading and the dream you though where life is no more. Nothing. Nothing no more. And now, I’m too old to do what I’ve always wanted, no matter what the old ladies in the commercial says. It can’t be helped, because I wanted to be a pole dancer.

What about love? If life isn’t, is love? I believe in love. Artificial chemistry created by our minds, ‘cause we want it so bad. And we want it to be real and last a lifetime. A lifetime. I think love is consistent. If you love 10 people in your life you’re lucky. In your life. But is it life or is it dream or is it a story in the giants’ fairytale books that all of a sudden can be closed on us, when we’re not interesting enough. Sometimes the borders are a bit vague to me. I believe in science, I love the animal and nature channels, I know there is a reason. But this disillusioned feeling comes over me from time to time, and this time I just happened to be in front of the computer.

2004-09-14T10:58:00.000+01:00

Oh, btw…

Yesterday my sweet kutsushita and I celebrated 2 years together. Hope you enjoy this as much as I do.

2004-09-13T20:59:00.000+01:00

5 centimetres taller then a tie?

I met up with y friend Rie today. She called me yesterday and asked if we could meet today for lunch at a Japanese restaurant. 13.00 at Piccadilly Circus. After lunch we went to the Star Bucks she works at and I had my first real cup of coffee for 2 weeks, it was marvellous! We talk about relationships and how hard it is to be apart. Seigi is in Japan right now and she misses him. I learned today that seigi means justice in Japanese, which is a really funny name for that boy. We had a quick look in H&M and in Top Shop. I found out that I’m an English size 8-10, really confusing to me this system. And the clothes are fridjing expensive too. Rie is so cute, she’s only 1.55 and I feel like a giant next to her. I’d love to put one of the pics I took of her up here, but still there is the problem with my FTP.

Mel, the bitch, is currently playing Sims 2, and she had to tell me. I almost cried when I read it. Spoiled brat! No, but I’ve not been more jealous for ages. I can’t wait until I get my hands on it.

People are trying to help me find a job. It so sweet of them. I guess I’m basically just scared to look for one, scared of being rejected. I’ve never had a No while looking for a job before, or not to my face at least, but I’m scared that I’ll have one now. And I’m not good at handling rejection. I have to give it a try though, even though I’m scared shitless.

Edit: oh, I forgot to tell you. Yesterday we had a pizza / Kill Bill marathon. It was great. I loved it! And, I’ve now applied for a job at H&M. I’m scared and I’m sure I won’t get anything, but still… I’m on my way to greater deeds! Woot woot! I'm soo looking forward to seing Mel on Thursday. I can hardly wait.

2004-09-12T01:24:00.000+01:00

Rambelings

Did you know that London first was called Londinium by the roman people? Londinium means the city of Lugh, where as I understood it Lugh means Gods light?

The Body Shop was founded by an Italian-English woman, who opened the first store back in 1976 in Brighton.

Spanish people are annoying and takes up way to much space, at least the once I live with.

Allie’s got a Boyfriend and all that she says is that she has one. I wanna know more but…

I got a letter, a snail-mail, from my friend Nana yesterday. It made me happy, but unfortunately sad as well. But, I hugged Neko Chan and all is well.

Mel is coming here next week. I’m excited! I wanna take her places and do things. It’s a bit crammed here, but will solve it.

For all of you who wanna come visit me, you’ll have to be aware of that you will probably sleep in the living room. (Not Mel though, since Seigi still is in Japan)

Boy is the cutest ever. We went to this gay bar yesterday to meet his friend Karim, a big balled Jamaican. First we stood in the wrong line for half and hour and then when we finally came to the right place, they asked for identification. Usually they don’t use that here so I didn’t carry mine. We got in anyways, but it was a bit of a hassle. Stayed for 1,5 hour watching old people that couldn’t dance. I felt sick, still do, so we got home quite early and I went to bed. Been sleeping most part of today and now we’ve just seen ‘love actually’, it was a bit over rated according to me, but ok.

Now I’m gonna stop this nonsense, grab my boy by the hair and snuggle him so bad he won’t be able to breath. Good night everyone out there.

2004-09-10T09:59:00.000+01:00

Seriously people

Honestly, you must understand that if you don’t give a shit about me and my problems, I can’t give a crap about you. Makes sense? I don’t care if you’re sad / hurt / sick / want anything, if you haven’t got one fuckin’ moment to spare me. And all though you haven’t said it right out, you make it painfully obvious that that’s the way it works. Look, I’ve got too much of my own to think about and care about then to listen to your petty self-pity. And you being snotty and stuck up about it doesn’t help. So, the choices are; get back to earth and talk to me about my problems as well as yours or get the fuck out of my face. And, for the love of fuck, don’t pretend that you understand if you don’t, and if you do understand you’ll have to be an asshole not to care.

2004-09-09T13:47:00.000+01:00

< head >< body >
k. Thursday hit me right in the face. Good morning! Went to boys Uni, his enrolment was today, but something went wrong and he’ll, no we’ll have to go back tomorrow. He bought a pair of shoes, I bought jellybeans. I’m tired and dizzy. It feels like I’m about to faint all the time. I drink to little perhaps.

Nothing to complain about except for the fact that I’m a negative and destructive girl who can’t make up her mind. Thank you darling. I tried to sex him up yesterday, like so many times before and he’s totally oblivious to my intentions. What are you doing (said cute, but still annoying question when he’s got my tits in his face)? I’m just gonna go brush my teeth first (why? I wanna ravish him there and then, not in 5-10-15 minutes ) bah! He’ll never get a hang on me. Better realizing now than be surprised later right?

Thanks to my marvellous assistant Ed, I can now post some of the pics I wanted up here.

This is our house:
(ours is the middle left window)

And this is a cool boat I found on a house:
(the hous is from 1695)

And this is me:
(and in the background, our batman sheets)

< / body >< / head >

2004-09-08T10:45:00.000+01:00

Out styled

I had this terrible nightmare.
I have this friend, I really don’t like her. She’s stuck up, shallow and self-absorbed. When I was her “best friend” I wasn’t even allowed to look at someone else and I could dream about meeting someone else for coffee… I still did, but then she got really envious.
Anyways, in this dream of mine I lived at my moms in Stockholm. She came over, she had an old cool bike, she had shaved her head and looked amazing. I got so super pissed. I’ve always wanted to shave my head, but I’d rather have darker hair then so that I’d look cool and not balled. I just felt like this really ordinary chick beside her. I guess that’s London talking to me. In Stockholm you can always stand out, it’s easy, just ware something odd. Here everyone is wearing odd things and my blue jeans, turquoise zip hood and sneakers doesn’t impress anyone and not even my fake curls are noticed. Sure, people stare at me, but that’s what they do, stare at people, that is.

This and feeling like a housewife from the 50’s, doesn’t really help my self-esteem. I’m cleaning room after room and the highlight of the day is when I can go grocery shopping and cook. Boy sits in front of the computer the hours he’s awake and does hardly talk to me at all, except for when he wants food/water or help. Then we go to bed and he thinks he can snuggle up to me as usual. Well, I guess that me turning my back and feel hurt isn’t helping. I guess my attitude towards this isn’t the best, and that it’s more that then what he does that puts me down.

2004-09-07T10:51:00.000+01:00

Much ado about nothing

London is fantastic. k. The subway doesn’t work, the road system is to laugh at, the food suck and people are a bit scary, I admit to that. Other then that, London is great. I don’t think I’m gonna stay though. I’m…I don’t know…confused?
I never thought I was gonna need someone to talk to this bad, ever. I’ve tried talking to the boy, but there are so many things that he does not need to know. All the things I’m sad about, all the things I miss. He didn’t understand. He didn’t let me talk; he just wanted to fix the problem that is me. And I guess we’ve all been down that street.
I want conversation, the thought of things, twisted facts applied on us, friendship and for the love of fuck, give me a proper cup of coffee. I’m in desperate need for someone to talk to.

Yesterday we met up with a friend of boys, the Don at Vibe bar. We had a couple of beers. Don is great, a bit chubby, thin haired with a decreasing hair line, he’s South African but with a shabby British humour (he’s lived here for 15 years). At first I thought he stared at me, then it didn’t bother me that much, but he was still looking really intensely. When leaving I told boy about it and he explained that Don’s really nearsighted.

Anyway. Boy just woke up, he’s hung-over although he wasn’t drunk yesterday. Well…I guess I’ll have to deal with that today as well…

2004-09-06T13:44:00.000+01:00

Monday, back on track?

I’ve been here for little more then a week now and I’m trying to get back to normal. I’m drinking coffee (instant, but who cares?), doing my work out and trying to be productive drawing. So far, no good. Hehe. Well, Mondays always gives me hope. Here comes another fresh new week that I’ll ruin in the most creative way I can come to think of. Today, cleaning, working out, shopping food and going out with Boy and friends of his.

Birthday was fine, weird but fine. Boy woke me with chocolate cake in bed, he sang a song, ate and then went back to sleep. Pretty little retard. I finished the entire cake while being in front of the computer. Headed out to the park for lunch, it was sunny and around 25 degrees. Then we strolled around for a while and found some really cool things. Got back home, I ate some ice-cream (do I need to tell you that I really indulged?) fell a sleep, slept for a while (I think, can’t really remember, I nap everyday now so I guess I did on my BD as well). Played some Sims and then got ready to go out. Boy took me to this really shabby Vietnamese restaurant; I loved it and ate too much. I’ve always loved the word sizzling, so I ordered it. We went to a small jazz & blues club and had 2 beers each. Then back home. Drank some more, laughed and told dark secrets. I got me some birthday nudity, and fell a sleep happy. Birthday present? Well, you guessed it, SIMS 2! WOHO!

Edit: Fridgin' server CAKK. I was gonna put some pics up, but the server wont let me in. Guess I'm closed of. k. so, I need to find a hoste or a new space...

2004-09-04T02:00:00.000+01:00

Birthday blues

Go me, it’s my birthday, I’m gonna party like it’s my birthday. Or, no, not really. I’ll prolly get drunk with boy tonight, but more then that, nope. I’ve got no one to celebrate with other then boy. Nino left for Spain yesterday. Alan hasn’t gotten back from Spain yet. Seigi is in Japan. Rie hasn’t called.
Cheers to all my friends back in autumn Stockholm, cheers to me in late-summer London. Cheers to my brave old grandma, cheers to my lovely mom, cheers to my strong but weird sister.
The perfect birthday… slow breakfast in bed or in a café, black coffee and cigarettes. Slow slow lunch in a park, sun streaming down through network of leaves above my head. Night out with friends, loud dinner and drinks or a quite dinner with boy, depending on what I’ve done most recently.

I guess you’ve figured that I’ve got the blues. And it’ll get worse if I don’t get around finding a job or doing something, anything. I feel like shit since baby is doing his best to keep me happy. He’s really worried about me. But he needs this job, for the money as well as having something to show for himself.

Got to go now. Good night. Take care. And for those of you who have got the possibility, have a drink for me tonight. Cheers all onliners.

Edit: Keeping a happy mood when you feel hollow is really hard. I really don't know what I feel. I guess this will all be good eventually, but right now I'm trying to keep myself together for boy's sake.

2004-09-03T13:20:00.000+01:00

Spoiled Brat

Having Sunday in bed everyday somewhat takes the Sunday out of it. We’ve been sleeping late, waking up, snuggled and had sex and fall a sleep again. Wake up, eat breakfast and then take a long hot bath together. Then boy has to work and I’m left to my daytime TV-series. Sounds nice, ne? But on a daily basic?

Yesterday boy took some time of from his precious work and we went to grab a beer. Two pints and a marble chocolate bar later, we stumble in on Tescos. Boy makes us a fantastic beef wok and then we eat ‘Ben & Jerry’s’ in front of Shreck 2. For the first time this week we go to bed together. It was so nice.

Now, it’s today, and today I’m gonna sit in front of the TV again and wait for my sugar to be done with that freakin’ site so that we can do something, anything. Well, guess I’m not allowed to complain after yesterday. It was nice, he treated me like a princess and for a while I forgot that I’m here in London.

2004-09-02T13:17:00.000+01:00

My cheekbone’s connected to my hipbone, my hipbone’s connected to my…?

Thursday, still bored, still lonely. Boy is working on a webpage for some guys in Sweden and he’s so busy. He has to be done this week. And it’s all good. But, it leaves me to hanging in the living room watching bad daytime TV and eating truckloads of fruit. I really wanna do something. Yesterday we went out for a walk. We went to cityfarm, which is a place kids can go to look at real farm animals for free. It was fun and sunny; I wished I had brought my camera along.
I feel out of place and lonely and bored. My body is doing as it pleases since I can control what I eat and I can’t work out here, it’s to crammed. I wanna go grab a cup of coffee, but I’ve got no clue where to and I’ve got no one to go with. Boy would be too worried if I wandered of on my own, since I don’t have a working phone and no sense of directions. I guess it leaves me to clean the bathroom and the kitchen, not that I want to but I’ve got nothing else to do.

I want to meet my Japanese friend Rie that lives here in London. But she’s got no time since she works and goes to school. She wants to meet me to she said, but she can’t find the time. I guess I’ll just have to wait. My birthday is coming up and it’ll be the first time I’m not in Stockholm for it. No family, no friends, no nothing. Boy is planning something and won’t tell me what. I’m excited but sad. I whish I wasn’t so alone.

Gran had her operation today, she’s gotten her pacemaker. I don’t know how she is or if it went well. I’ll have to wait for my sister to get of work and get online.

2004-09-01T10:44:00.000+01:00

Bored is the word

Its half past ten and I’m sitting in front of the computer, no coffee. Boy’s still asleep after working through the night. It smells of ammoniac and sickness. Sun is peering in through out curtains. Nino left for work. I’m all alone. The TV in the living room is on, showing crappy British decorating shows. I’m all out of yoghurt.
Recently there has been a hassle going down in my family and I feel like shit leaving it all behind, not being able to help. Sis broken up with her boyfriend of 2 years, moved back in with mom. Mom is thinking on leaving her husband, not being happy at all. Grandma had heart failure last Friday and has been to the hospital, she’s getting a pacemaker. There’s just too much, and I’m not there.
Friend wise, feels like I have none. I know, I know. I’ve only been here for 3 days and it’s impossible for people to miss me yet. And of course I haven’t made any new friends here yet, I’ve been sitting here most of the time.

Now I’m gonna go grab myself a cup of stuffy instant coffee. Yuck.

2004-08-30T18:20:00.000+01:00

good bye sthlm pics

last touch:

sister, just got home from the states:

sthlm, by night:

me, new hair:

2004-08-29T18:26:00.000+01:00

Welcome to the city of anything goes

So, I’m here. Guess you’d have figured it out sooner or later.

Yesterday was a pest. Got to the airport, after a 75 minutes trip in a stuffed bus filled with kids. Checked in luggage. K. only 17 kilos overweight, paid for 10, hide or backpacks, bring it all through the security check. Finished. Cigarettes and diet coke. Board the plane. Listening to the Japanese music my brother had put in my iPod and fell asleep. Thanks for the neko-chan nana-chan, the perfect pillow. Get of the plane, get trough pass control, try to get our bags and the computer, go to train, buy tickets, no money, card wont work, no tickets, bye bye last train to Liverpool Street. Get up again, find ATM, get money, find busses, get ticket, cheaper, bus is leaving in 50 minutes. Get on bus, fall asleep, listening to Röyksopp. Liverpool Street, Taxi, Indian person talking way to fast, bad English, smell of garlic and curry. Home.

Sweet Jesus, I was wondering why I was doing this last night. And when I woke up this morning I was still wondering. Now, I’m not so sure, but I think I have a clue. Boy has been cleaning and moving furniture all day, while I’ve been eating and sleeping. I smell funky.

Gonna go grab some Chinese (food) now and head back home to bed and watch Shreck 2. For you who wanna, me and my web cam will be online on MSN.

2004-08-25T21:32:00.000+01:00

Not done

Happy everything. Sun shine. I'm feckin tired and I've been crying for the last couple of days. Not only because of dad, there's been a lot of shit going down. My sweet sis came home saturday. A lot had happened to her and now she needs me, and I'm not sure I wanna move cause of that. But I do. Wanna move, that is. I've been lashing out at boy plenty as well, even though he's been a total sweetheart, I've been a complete ass.

Out yesterday, break, celebrate Nan-chan. Had a lot of fun to the end. Missed the girls, but to much stress and heartache makes kara into a bitch.

Today I feel sick. My nose hurts as well as my throat. BUT, I'm sooo super happy with all my new fine American things. My sis had bought a cam that mom gave me as a early BD-present, I got an sweet green iPod mini, a sesame street t-shirt and a "sisters are friends forever" cup. It's all too nice. And on top of that I went and fixed my hair monday evening, my hairdresser is a friend of mine so she gave me the color and stuff for free. I only paid 400kr for the haircut.

k. two days to go, i guess. I'm nervouse, I'm stressed, haven't packed, still not talking to dad, still alot of unfinished business to solve before saturday. But it'll all work out for the best and I'll be the happiest princess in London.

2004-08-23T09:39:00.000+01:00

To Dad With Love

Lyrics: Zakk Wylde

"Hate Your Guts"

I hate your guts
I wish that you was dead
I hate your guts
You're damn right that's what I said
I hate your guts
And I wish that you was dead
I'd dig the holy myself
But I'd rather run ya over with my truck instead

Your first name should be ass
Your last name should be wipe
Believe me when I say this
Cus I've been shit on more than twice
Well it's funny how it works
It just seems to never end
Just when ya think ya had enough
They'll bend ya over and fuck ya once again !

Just a little something for my dad, whom I'm not talking to again. What he said to me this morning when I told him how sad he'd made me yesterday is just to painfull to retell. I asked him to go fuck himself, that I don't want anything to do with him and that he can keep his fuckin money.

2004-08-23T07:49:00.000+01:00

Who's your daddy?

Yesterday was crap. We were having birthday/ moving dinner at dads. I'd baked a cheesecake. It was quite tasty. No, it was fakkin exelent. And when i show up with it, everybody says that they dont like cheesecake. Fun. They ended up liking my cheesecake anyway. They sort of HAD TO. Apart from that disapointment, my family acted like assholes. No one talked to me before and during the dinner, they were all cought up in the Olympics on tv. When it was time for cake and present opening, no one cared about it, so I sat there merely alone and opened the crap i got. My lil'sis Olivia gave me some cute stuff, but then again she is 12 and everything she gives me is cute and heart warming. Dad and his wife gave me an envelope... in this envelope there was a white A4 paper where my dad had written "2.000:- inserted on your account during the week". That's all. The funny thing about it is that it's not even his 2.000:-, they're mine!
Remember i told you about re-tileing my bathroom? k. So that's what he did and the old owner of the apartment paid for it. Dad managed to screw him on 4.000:-, the cost of everything was 2.000:- so basically I got an extre 2.000:-. Unfortunatly dad sees it as his money that IU'm getting. Well, that would mean that I was supposed to have paid for the work he had been doing, and he'd never sadi anything about that. So, I didn't really got anything from him. And that would have been ok if he didn't try to pass of that money as his own and if he'd paid me any attention yesterday. He's such an ass. And when we were leaving he asked when we were meeting during the week. I said that it wasn't possible, this was my good bye dinner, that ment good bye, I might be seing them christmas, but probably not before that.

Is it wrong of me to feel a bit...ignored? I dont know, maybe I'm over reacting.
Boy is good btw. It was all just a missunderstanding, you were so right Ed.

2004-08-19T09:56:00.000+01:00

Not so sure

I'm no longer that sure I'm gonna or even want to move to London. Boy is being a total ass. Right now I can't say I love him, but I can't say I dont. He just left and I'm not sure I wanna see him again. He said he would call, but why? I'm just a prize, his prize. He won me, he's polishing me and showing me of. Why would I wanna be with a boy who thinks like that. He's a condecending jerk. People might think I'm over reacting, but after the ex I promised myself that if things wheren't ok, they wheren't ok. I'm not gonna put up with shit, unless it's my shit.

Boy isn't being an ass, it's just his thoughts that are assy. And unfortunatly I can't live like that. He's actually a nice boy, but maybe not my nice boyfriend. Have to think about this. I can't be someones trofée.

2004-08-18T20:19:00.000+01:00

9 days to go

so, I guess you've missed my funky ass? I'm living at my moms now so I dont have a lot of time to spend infront of the computer. I figure I've add 2 kilos to my beautiful self the last couple of days. How? It's called sauce. With plenty of butter and cream. Swell.

I've still got so much to take care of before I move to London, but I'm getting there. Sis bought me a cam in U.S and I'll have to pay for it when she gets back home, I'm still looking for a laptop and I'm all out of money. Wonder how I'm gonna solve this problem. Kill? Steal? Rob? I hope that my parent will get the HINT and buy it for me as birthday/moving presents... But they're quite old now and when I say computer they think sox and a knitted cardigan.

Anyways. Got to go. Boy is waiting for his turn at the comp. We bought the new 'Super Play' magazine today and he's really anxious to check out some links and new games. Have fun with this for now:
hey hey 16k

2004-08-13T08:59:00.000+01:00

Last day, tomorrow and 15days

Today is THE DAY! I quit working for my tipp-ex-hoe-employer! I’ve got 5,5 hours to go and then I’m all done! woot woot! Am I happy about this? Well, I guess…yes! If they aren’t coming here to see me of today, I’m planning on sending them a farewell cake, ingredients; chili, anchovies, dog pooh, old dish cloth…hmmm, what more? Can you come to think of something? Ha! Good bye to you too, suckers!

Yesterday evening I tried to pack my clothes. And I actually managed to fit all my pants, shirts, sweats, tees and skirts into one bag. But, the problem is that I’m only allowed to bring 15 kilos. And that’s that. How the hell am I supposed to do that? I’ve only packed the first bag and that alone is 15 kg. I still have to bring my shoes, jackets, underwear and “shit”, and that’s another 15 kg. Every kg above 15 is £4.5. That’s way to expensive. How do I solve this? Do I go back and forth a couple of time to pick everything up or could I ask my sweet friends to bring it when they come visit? But then I’ll have to take it back home again… and I know I’ll buy more clothes in London as well. I’ve already thrown away a big garbage bag with clothes, I’ve got another one half full on the living room floor, another one full that’s going to help organizations, 2 full on the attic, 4 big moving boxes full in the attic, my suitcase and there is still more in my closet and I’ve. Fuck, I’ve got to many clothes.

Anyhoo, not gonna bore you more with this. Now it’ll soon be over and you wont hear my random ramblings so often.

Countdown:
Last day at work.
Moving tomorrow.
I leave Sweden in 15 days.

2004-08-12T07:54:00.000+01:00

1,2 & 16

He says he understands, but he really doesn’t, and it hurt. “Why are you crying? Stop snapping at me? There is no reason for you to lash out at me”. Well, you’re right, so right, is that what you want to hear? There is no reason. Except that when I have to get up at 6 every morning, go to this unbearably boring job, worry about my body, worry about my sister, try to keep my parents happy, try to keep my boy happy, come home and cook, clean and pack my life into little boxes and bags, HE can lie on his back in a park and read a good book, or what ever. And when his stuff is all over the place that I’m trying to get into an even smaller attic space, I go crazy. He’s not doing anything all day and he can’t even keep his things together. And I freak! All this stress and he doesn’t get it. “Babes, where is my (insert right word for hair-thingy)? I put it right next to my phone, but now it’s gone”, question asked while I’m up to my elbows in shit I need to fit in a way too small bag, it’s past my bed time and I still haven’t had time to do my work out. GWAH!
Anyhooooooooo. I’ll all be over in 2 days. Hopefully. But I am disappointed whit him.

Tomorrow is my last day working for the cakk-sakkers! Hopefully they don’t come here to “see me off”. Ass-whores!

Add: It doesn’t help his case much that when he ever does something for me, like cook, clean or run an errand, I’m supposed to be on my hand and knees and thank him. WHAT, he thinks I’m doing this for only me? I thought he wanted me in London as much as I wanted to be there…

Countdown:
I quit work in 1 day.
I move out of the apartment in 2 days.
I leave Sweden in 16 days.

2004-08-11T08:09:00.000+01:00

2, 3 & 17

Well, the count is still on. It’s only 2 more days until I get out of this pigsty that I call work. Right now I’m almost alone in the office. It’s I and a woman called Gabriella, all others are at this conference. I’m taking advantage of this situation by snitching candy, making private calls, wearing jeans and reading books. I’m not gonna do shit the coming 2 days.

Anyways, I’m stressing about the move. I don’t know what to pack, how to or why. Yesterday I sat on the couch, listen to Portishead & Beth Gibbons with a bottle of diet coke in my hand, whishing it was Jack Daniels.

Nothing is really happening, but I’ve got so much to do. Feels like I’m falling through heavy mass. And I want to stop, but I can’t move because it’s too heavy. And I should, there is so much I should, but I don’t and soon it’ll be too late. And I’ll be lost. No one will find a trail of me since the mass eat it all, thick as fog, light as day. Anyways, this is to depressing and it’s not really this bad. And I know I’ll show up on the other side, un-bruised and unharmed. Everyone will love me and I’ll be all right. Just that, now, right now, it’s to much and the pressure keeps me from breathing and my arms are sleeping. Bliss is not having to do anything. To make a choice.

Countdown:
I quit work in 2 days.
I move out of the apartment in 3 days.
I leave Sweden in 17 days.

2004-08-10T07:54:00.000+01:00

3days, 4days, 18days

So, average, I need to write about the average shit. I need to write about the angst, the stress and everything else you really don’t want or need to read about, which I unfortunately know painfully well, no comments.

Yesterday I packed up most of my kitchen supplies. Boy watched. I freaked out and cooked instead. Then around 9.30 my dad and this “tile-wizard” Marvan show up. They are looking at my bathroom and are talking weirdly with one another, I don’t really pay attention. Marvan looks like Mario from Mario Bros. He’s got this beautiful mustache that is shaped like a happy smile above his upper lip, blue-grey-ish eyes, he’s from Armenia. So, cool. Can’t help but smile at him all the time, while he’s trying to explain to dad how he’s supposed to re-tile my shower. “I give you buckets, putty, spatula. I give you everything you need. You only buy this… Go there and tell them Marvan sent you, you’ll get 30% discount. I tell you, it’s all good”. Didn’t sound very legal, but hey, I’m not complaining, I’m the one paying.

Anyways. Mail from sis made my day again. She’s such a sweet heart and supporting me all the way.

Countdown:
I quit work in 3 days.
I move out of the apartment in 4 days.
I leave Sweden in 18 days.

2004-08-09T14:46:00.000+01:00

I found this here

How to make a kara

Ingredients:

3 parts friendliness

1 part courage

1 part joy

Method:
Combine in a tall glass half filled with crushed ice. Add lovability to taste! Do not overindulge!

Personality cocktail
From Go-Quiz.com

2004-08-09T13:31:00.000+01:00

Weird dreams

One would think I shouldn’t have sex dreams when getting plenty of action. But, I can’t control it. I’ve had a weird travel/sex-pants dream about my ex’s friend. Met him Friday at Lydmar, by accident. In my dream I was traveling with friends in Asia/France, when I suddenly slept on his chest in my bed and he tried to make out with me, got pissed when I said that it wasn’t ok. All of a sudden he had to go to some fancy place across the border to buy expensive pants.
Tonight I dreamt that I was in this small, crummy but cool apartment with this really cool chick. She and her cool friend and I were hanging out drinking some coolers. It was to hot and sticky, and she was so pretty, skin like chocolate, the hair put up somewhat careless, there was something turquoise about her as well, can’t really remember what. Her friend was pretty as well, but not as sexual. She kissed her friend and then I kissed her, I felt a bit out of place, being the youngest and the only white, and I felt she rejected me somewhat for it. We were about to get naked on the bed when I changed my mind and left. Then my mom bought bus passes for my brother, his girlfriend, my sister and me. I said I didn’t need it, since I was moving in 8 days, but she said it was ok.

That’s it. I think.

2004-08-09T11:01:00.000+01:00

Happiness

Sis called me from Houston Saturday. She was doing well, loved The States and she wants to live in N.Y. She laughed and teased me, telling me she bought me presents, but refused to tell me what. Sometimes it feels more like she’s my older sister then younger. I miss her so much right now, I could really use her sense and calm.
She wants to buy a cam for me, and now she wants to know what kind I want. Well, does anyone know anything about digital cameras? Please help me.
I know I want a cam that can switch between color and black/white, it’s got to have a great zoom, preferably be able to film and record sounds. Well…
Anyways, sis is coming home in 2 weeks. Monday 23/8 she’ll have her first lesson at Uni. I’m so excited for her. I’d love to post a pic of my beautiful sis, but I’m currently out of ftp and all…*sob sob*

2004-08-09T10:25:00.000+01:00

4days, 5days, 19days

Saturday; Allies party, a lot of stupid people and plenty of fun people. There where some theory on attaching boys dreads to my top… Allies stoopid friend Maria, asked me and boy if we where siblings… right… I wonder why I dislike her. Other then that, we had plenty of fun in the ‘sofa of looooove’. Ed, Ed, boy and I laughed quite a lot.
I went home early though, since I had to continue packing yesterday. Boy stayed at friends house sat to sun and sun to mon. It’s so nice to be alone sometimes.

I’ve thrown away clothes, shoes and make up. Can you believe it? It hurt so much! All my babies had to go. All the shoes that have served me so well, all the shoes I’ve tried to convince myself ‘still got one more season’. Nail polish I never use, tops that are either to small, to big or to ugly. No jeans! I know I should, but I can’t bring myself to throw them or give them away. They are my best friends. Pathetic ne? I mean, I’m the one that never saves anything. I don’t like stuff, I think it’s mostly unnecessary. But, jeans…oh sweet jeasus, jeans.

Count down:
I quit work in 4 days.
I move out of the apartment in 5 days.
I leave Sweden in 19 days.

2004-08-07T12:03:00.000+01:00

Let the good times roll!

First off, I wanna be everywhere, everywhere at the same time! Give me money, time and strange! Damn tokyostyle festival, damn me = japan lover!

So, Daicy, Lisa and I went out yesterday. Daicy, as the nancy she is, wanted to grab a beer before we went to the headevent of the evening. Japanese people had an exhibition at Lydmar, the display items were mostly them selves... hilarious non the less. I got myself 4 signed poster to hang over my bed. 4 deliciouse japanese dragshow artists. We, or at least I had a blast. Walking home through summer Sthlm, with my 2 loves, one barefoot cuz i stole the socks and the other singing wierd old music and Dylan.

Good news. I've got the paper from the board, and I'm now leagaly alowed to sublet my apartment.

Anyways, I'm a tad hungover, so this will prolly not make any sense.

2004-08-06T13:46:00.000+01:00

One week to go, no money and no sleep.

Still haven’t got the paper that I need from the board of my house-thingy. My tenant is breathing down my neck and I’m supposed to move out in a week. I bet it’ll be all right, but until then I’ll freak and stress. Need to get a soft case for my records, but I can’t afford it.
As you all might know (either you live in Sweden or you’ve read it on Ed’s page) its Tokyostyle in Sthlm these coming 5 days. There is so much to do around town now. Or just to much. CAKK. Anyhoo, boy and I are going to see some Japanese break dance tonight at Mondo. We can’t afford it but boy said he’ll pay the 100 kr that's the entrance fee. Hopefully that’ll be fun, but all these Japanese people give me pretentious creeps. I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO WEAR! Feels unimportant though... Tomorrow or on Sunday boy and I are gonna try going to Draken to see a digital art exhibition. That too is expensive, but boy really wanna go, so we’re of.
This weekend will be packed. I need to, no have to, pack. I have to get everything out and away. PHEW.

Girls, if you wanna have something, anything (clothes, shoes, bags what have you). You’ll have to call me and tell me what, or when you can drop by to check it out. Ok?

2004-07-30T10:58:00.000+01:00

Wet dream

Last night I dreamt about Ed. Now I know you want it to be something juicy, cause of the title, but its basic sensual-childish-friendship. We where somewhere, it was a country house, there where white tree panel. In this living room with really big windows there was a wood sofa, cushions with roses on and robust wooden floors. The glass, back door stood open and the curtains plaid in the wind, there where a stone staircase leading down to the yard. It was green and rich and beautiful. Then all of a sudden I see Ed, in well fitting jeans swimming around underwater, bubbles everywhere. I’m under water as well. Jeans are the only thing we’re wearing. Sure there where tits, but I think it basically was the idea of tits, not actual tits, at least not sexual breast. Does someone remember the Levis/Diesel commercial with the mermaids? Somewhat like that. Then we’re laying on our backs on the bridge that’s reaching out in the water, still in well fitting, wet jeans and nothing more. Trees are leaning in over us. Shoulder to shoulder, staring up at the sun, that’s actually a round convex mirror. And we’re beautiful. My hips are bigger but that’s ok.

Then I woke up and everything felt juvenile, but somewhat safe.

I wonder what Freud would say about this…

2004-07-29T12:08:00.000+01:00

Homofest!

This time of the year all the gay people of Sweden (and all the tourists) celebrate their sexuality. Kudos! We’ve got this big parade of homosexual people going through Stockholm and it’s all kind of festive. Everybody is dressed up in glamorous outfits and it’s plenty of glitter, feathers and thongs. They’re putting on a really flashy show for us observers. Rio dancers going fat, hairy and gay. But it’s all in good fun. well, almost, since it’s somewhat misleading. All gay people aren’t colorful, glittery men. What about the average homosexual man, who lives in a villa in the suburb and drives his Volvo to work everyday? He might not feel comfortable putting on make up and pulling a thong up his ass. Why does homosexuality equals make up and glam for men? Women got a choice, they can look like what ever and people aren’t speculating as much in their preferences. But you’re average man, the boss, the bus driver or the guy at the local grocery store could be homosexual. Does he wear make up? Does he even want to? And if he does, why make a big fuss out of it? And where are all the women in this sex-feast? Women are the losers in ever society. In the “straight” society we aren’t manly enough, we’re subordinated women. In the “gay” community we’re not GLAM enough, we’re butch and manly. Never good enough, huh?

Anyhoo. This got nothing to do with me. But I like gay-pride, I just wish that there was a place in the world for all people not only the mainstream once.

2004-07-27T07:57:00.000+01:00

No, you all die!

Seriously. Crap crap crap. Why does my job have to be such an ass-fudjing business? Do I wear a sign that says “available”? Maybe I should print a t-shirt that said “When I smile, don’t take it personally”. Ass bastards. I’ve got 30 minutes everyday when I can do what I want, that often means eat. But still “could you do this?” or “why aren’t there more of these folders in there?” or, why not “can you help me with this travel bill?” What? Why? I’m a temp! I don’t know about these things, I don’t wanna know and my ass isn’t yours to grab! Leave me alone and let me do the job I’m paid to do! I’m here, I look pretty and I’m answering the phone.
At least it’ll soon be over. I work here the rest of the week, and then I’m of to some other place, then I’ll be back here for a week, then all is done! I know that working in London will be as assy, if not assier. But, it’ll be worth it *pounding my head in the desk, trying to persuade myself that it’ll be alright*.

I used the word ass/assy/assier 8 times in this post, not bad for such a short text.

2004-07-26T09:54:00.000+01:00

Well rested and peachy

To say I’m ”well rested and peachy” would be a huge lie. I’m so tired and my body aches and breaks. This weekend has been the worst in a long time, sleep wise. Friday I was at sthlm jazz festival. Sweet Jesus, I needed that. I missed Rigmor Gustafsson, but I managed to see Esbjörn Svensson and last but not least Angie Stone, my problem is that I compare every soul singer to Erykah Badu and they simply can’t win. Mom, sis and I had a blast. We met some lovely people and some not so lovely people. Esbjörn was the best. Improvised modern jazz, with a drum solo that sounded like nothing and everything all at once. Fabulous!

How much do we observe our surroundings? How much can we blame our parents?
My mom wasn’t wearing her wedding ring Friday night. My sis didn’t tell the guy that was hitting on her that she has a boyfriend. I said no thanks, I’ve got a wonderful bf, but thanks for asking, to the guy who was hitting on me. But how can I respect my family when they do things like that? I find them immoral.

Saturday, I whished I could have stayed in bed all day, but I was meeting Jonathan at one, but he thought I meant two… well. He got to borrow my PS2 until I’m moving to London. Friend of boy had a BBQ, and we were obligated to go. I acted like a kid all day and most part of the evening/night. At the party were mainly boys and some girlfriends and some girlfriends friends. Ridicules. Two girlfriends, a sister and I sat at one end of the tables, in the other end; one new girlfriend, a very drunk girl and my boys ex girlfriend. Then there where some other people sporadically decorating the long sides of the table. The girls I sat with talked solely about babies, giving birth and tits (the sister has a baby). On the other end the conversation was on bodies, stretching and they sang (falsely) along when one guy played the guitar. It was just terrible, and pathetic. I could only talk and think music, so I kept my mouth shut. I talked to yakuza-Eddie and Irish-Jeppe, had some words on music with one of the girlfriends and sang plenty of jazz quietly to myself. Did some stretches with one girl I really don’t like, talked to the ex (the extend I go to, to be nice) and, the only really fun part of the party, I shot tin cans with a bb gun. We took the bus home and this really stupid girl companied us. She bugged me galore. Everything she said was extremely stupid, underdeveloped and stubborn. I mean, I’ve got no problem with people that are evolving, but then admit you’re not done yet and listen to other people.

2004-07-23T10:39:00.000+01:00

Everything is falling into place

k. so the last week I’ve found someone to rent my apartment, I’ve managed to do everything I have to do before I move. But I haven’t realized.
Today, 5 mins ago, I bought the tickets. We’re leaving Saturday 28 of august at 10.15 p.m. and then… I’ll be gone. I wont come back in a week, it’s not a vacation. I’m stuck. In a flat in London with 3 (yes, Alan decided to stay with us) guys, I’ll be stuck. Woha. I feel nauseous. But It’ll all work out fine, and I’m really excited at the same time, but my gawd, I think I need to throw up.

Tonight we’re signing the contract. I’m meeting my tenant and going through the last stuff. After that I’m off to meet my mom and sis. We’re going to Sthlm Jazz to see some local bands and Angie Stone.

I don’t know what to say, or write. I really don’t know, except for a lot of bullshit and crap. I’m nervous and I can’t really think of anything else. You’ll have to excuse my random ramblings.

And for you who are concerned; I’ve gotten laid, no need for me to write more about it ^^ I’m satisfied. And boy’s body is better then I remembered. He’s so beautiful. Raw.

2004-07-22T13:21:00.000+01:00

When all is said and done

Sweet Jesus I’m proud! I’ve managed to fix it all! Tomorrow we sign the contract and then it’ll all be over. I’m on my way! I DID IT!
Reason why I am so happy is that I’ve been really concerned. Dad started this project and then left it to me, and I had to do it all with out knowing what I am doing for real. But, now I’ve actually made it! I’ll be moving out of my flat in 3 weeks! and then I’ll move to London in 5 weeks.
We’ll be leaving Saturday 28/8, in the evening.

Btw. I woke up at 3.30 this morning, cause a song had stuck in my head. I had to sing “baby, it’s cold outside” with Ella Fitzgerald in the middle of the night to be able to go back to sleep again. my poor boy has gotten himself a psycho...

2004-07-22T11:29:00.000+01:00

The beautiful people

There are people in this world that are born to be observed, admired and adored. And then there are the common people. I’m a common person; I’ll never be one of the beautiful people. My hips are too wide, my legs to short, my nose not pointy and straight enough, my cheeks to round, my eyes to small and my butt to flat. I’m an ordinary common person with ordinary common problems, ordinary common clothes and ordinary common features. Fortunately for me I’ve found someone good that loves me in all my commonness. That adores all my flaws and that would do anything just to be able to touch my ordinary common skin. I’m not above average anywhere; there will always be someone better, someone smarter, more beautiful, skinnier, taller and more talented. I’ll have to settle with being the next runner up. This doesn’t make me sad. What if I was one of the beautiful people? Would my life be any better? Would my friends, family and boyfriend love me more? Would it be easier?
I love being me, I love all my flaws and I wouldn’t change it for the world. Maybe I’d like to be smarter, but stupidity helps you manage everyday things. You don’t have to understand and see all the bad things; you can live in ignorant bliss.
I wouldn’t change it, would you?

2004-07-22T10:18:00.000+01:00

Waste of time and space
I'm currently stuck. I can't do anything more, and still I've got plenty to do. Can't help it.
Here goes:

1. Copy this whole list into your journal.
2. Bold the things that are true about you.
3. Whatever you don't bold is false.
4. When you're done, add your own to the end of the list.

01. When I was younger, I made some bad decisions.
02. I don't watch much TV these days.
03. I love broccoli.
04. I love sleeping
05. I have loads of books.
06. I once slept in a toilet.
07. I love playing video games.
08. I adore marijuana.
09. I watch porn movies.
10. I watch 'One Tree Hill'.
11. I like sharks.
12. I love spiders, I think they're adorable, especially the ones with bright colors on their backs.
13. I was born without hair and I still have no hair.
14. I like George W. Bush.
15. People are cool.
16. I have changed a lot mentally over the last year.
17. I have a Toyota and a pool.
18. I have a lot to learn.
19. I carry my knife everywhere with myself.
20. I'm really, really smart.
21. I know more than two languages really well.
22. I have a secret.
23. I hate rain.
24. I drink health juice.
25. Punk rock rules.
26. I hate Bill Gates.
27. I love Vietnamese food.
28. I would hate to be famous.
29. I am not a morning person.
30. I have semi-long hair.
31. I have short hair.
32. I have potential.
33. I'm pure Afghan.
34. My legs are two different sizes.
35. I have a twin.
36. I wear those long ass socks.
37. I can roll my tongue.
38. I like the way that I look.
39. I'm obsessed w/Italian food.
40. I know how to french braid.
41. I can be pessimistic or optimistic whenever I want.
42. I have a lot of mood swings.
43. I skateboard/snowboard.
44. I think that skateboarders are HOT.
45. I'm in a band.
46. I have talent.
47. I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar I have.
48. I think that I'm popular.
49. I am currently single.
50. I can't swim.
51. My favorite color is blue, red, or white.
52. I practically live in sweatshirts.
53. I love to shop.
54. I would classify myself as either punk or goth.
55. I would classify myself as ghetto.
56. I'm a prep, shop at abercombie, and ADMIT IT.
57. I'm obsessed with my journal.
58. I don't hate anyone.
59. I know how to square dance just a little bit.
60. I have a unibrow.
61. I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mom.
62. I have a cell phone.
63. I believe in God.
64. I watch MTV on a daily basis.
65. I know how to play the tuba.
66. I need coffee to live.
67. I have had a boyfriend before.
68. I've rejected someone before.
69. I currently like someone and they have no idea that I like them.
70. I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.
71. I want to have kids when I get older.
72. I have changed a diaper before. unfortunately.
73. I've called the cops on a friend before.
74. I bite my nails.
75. I am a member of the Hilary Duff fan club.
76. I'm not allergic to anything.
77. I love broadway plays and have been to at least 3.
78. I have no idea who the 38th president was.
79. I plan on seeing Mary Kate and Ashley's new movie.
80. I am completely shy around the opposite sex.
81. I'm online 24/7; not always there though.
82. I have at least 25 away messages saved.
83. I have tried alcohol or drugs.
84. I loved Rush Hour.
85. I've read all of the Harry Potter books.
86. If I were a dwarf, I would be Dopey.
87. When I was a kid I played with my G.I. Joe.
88. I don't mind country music.
89. I might die for my friends.
90. I think that Juicy Fruit is the best type of gum.
91. I watch soap operas whenever I can.
92. I'm obsessive and paranoid and extremely jumpy sometimes.
93. I would love to be Demi Moore because Ashton Kutcher's a major hottie.
94. I love the Beatles.
95. I know all the words to 'Barbie Girl'
96. Halloween is awesome because you get free candy...
97. I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it.
98. I have to fart.
99. I want this damned thing to be over!
100. I'm happy.
101. I am VERY easily amused.
102. I'm angsty
103. I like rock
104. I like Fight Club
105. I absolutely adore mexican food
106. I have a boyfriend/girlfriend
107. I have more than one tarot deck.
108. This survey is way too American.
109. I like Canada
110. I know how to play a guitar/bass.
111: I love tattoos and piercings!!
112. I would do almost anything, as long as someone dared me.